2.  You get what you notice.
This goes for positive and negative. This concept works especially with parenting. If you continually notice the “bad” or negative, you will get more of that. If you notice every thing you do not like about your partner, you will get more of that. Try noticing, validating, and acknowledging the things you want more of. Like, “I really like it when you kiss me goodbye.” Keep the “hooks” out of the comments. “I really like it when you (finally remember to) kiss me goodbye.” That is a hook, it makes the nice positive statement hurtful and negative. Try noticing what you want, see if it works. Keep the “hooks” out of your compliments too.

3.  Express your anger Assertively.
Anger is just an emotion. It is not “good” or “bad.” Emotions are our barometer to our world. They tell us if we like what is happening or we do not like what is going on around us. Anger is a good emotion in that it tells us when something hurtful is happening. Expressing our anger is an important aspect of good emotional health. Feeling anger is good, it is how we express it that gets us into trouble or not. Expressing our anger in an aggressive or hurtful way will damage our relationship. My website has a short seven step anger management chapter. Sometimes we just need to tools to help us express in an assertive way. Find a program that will help you. Remember you learned how to express your anger in your family of origin. It is a learned behavior and therefore you cn change it.

4.  Be polite and kind.
This is almost too basic right? Well sometimes when we are with people every day we forget to treat them with respect and kindness. Just because they are our partner or our family does not mean they do not deserve care and kindness. Kids respond to being “asked” to do something politely instead of demanded. And I have a secret for you-Adults respond that way too. So, if you want your partner to do something, try asking politely. If we are stressed with life, sometimes we take it out on our family. If you find that is your pattern, find a way to reduce your stress so that you can be kind to the people who care most important to you and care about you more than any one else.

5.  Take care of you Too
Taking care of others is admirable. Sometimes we get our good feelings about ourselves by taking care of others. If you “routinely” take care of others needs instead of your own, you may have some co-dependent tendencies. If you feel you may have co-dependent behaviors that interfere with your relationship, find a way to change. There are several books on Co-Dependent Behaviors. My favorite is Co-Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Taking care of you is important so you can truly be there for others when you need to be. Think of it as having a basket that contains your issues. Everyone, everyone in the world, has a personal basket of issues. If you take others issues out of their basket to “take care of them” then you are robbing them of the chance to use their own power over their world. When someone throws their “issues” in your basket you can take them back out and put them where they belong. If you are co-dependent you will keep them there. Again, I want to remind you that we learn a lot of patterns in our family of origin. If we were given the role of caretaker while we were growing up, we may have a hard time getting free from that pattern.

6.  Remember You are the only thing you really control
Okay, you don’t have to believe this to begin with. Hear me out. Think about it. If you ask your child to do something and they refuse-even if you beat them within and inch of their life (Please do not try this atmake us angry. Don’t give anyone else that power. Only you can decide if you are going to be angry. You only have control over yourself and your own behaviors and your own choices. Take a deep breath…..try it on. It will actually lower your stress level to realize you cannot control the world…..

8.  Be aware you both can be Right
When couples come in for counseling, one of the first things I like them to do is to have a personality profile completed. This will help them notice the “differences.” On the link page of my website is “get personality profile” it will take you to the home page for Keirsey Sorter Personality Profile. I will help you maximize your similarities and appreciate your differences. It can be different not right and wrong. Give it a try.

9.  Touch more, touch more, touch more
This is my favorite one. This doesn’t mean groping or sexual touching. Well, the sexual touching is good to if it is consensual. This touch is good ole Human touching. I care about you, I love you, I think you are special-touching. Try stroking hair gently, squeezing hands, hugs are perfect, back of the hand on the check, pat-anywhere. Here is where the communication is so important. Ask your partner what kind of touching they would like. Tell your partner what kind of touching you would like. Sometimes we just need to be touched or held and not have sex. Have a touching conversation with your partner….okay that was a sneaky one. You get the picture. Give it a try. Non-sexual touching. Basic human need is for human touch. Don’t get me wrong, sex can be an important part of a relationship too. If your sex does not sizzle, find some information about being a lover. We are not taught to be a lover….we have to do this on our own or with the world of media information. We all know media information can be wrong…so get the straight scope on sex. Take a workshop together. Communicate about your needs and wishes. Talk about fantasy and see if you can fulfill those for each other. Touch of all kinds help a relationship-usually- by that I mean you must communicate personal preferences. So, Talk about it.

10. Take time to be together, talk, listen, care, touch, this builds and nurtures your Relationship.
When I counsel couples, at one point I will give them four hour homework. I spell this out in my relationship healing and enhancement program in the chapter, Hot Monogamy. Yes, Monogamy can be hot, but it takes work and time and attention. A relationship is a living thing. It needs to be nurtured and attention must be given. A relationship does not take care of itself. So, if you want Hot Monogamy, pay attention. Take relationship time, away from kids and others. Make special time for just the partners in a relationship. Talk about what you like, need, and want. Give yourself the gift of forever love with your partner, schedule routine time together - Alone. This means weekly, daily, monthly. Learn some activities that will increase your emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy will bring a deeper more caring aspect to your relationship.