10 Hot Tips for a Steamy Sizzling Relationship
1. Slow down and listen.
When we communicate, we sometimes ignore what our partner is saying. Our thoughts are occupied by what we are planning to say next. If you pay attention to your partner's words and then reflect back what you hear him/her say or feel, then he/she will feel heard, and you will be on the road to finding a resolution to the issue. Do you know someone (maybe even yourself!) who repeats them self over and over? It is probably because that person does not feel heard. Try using reflective listening and see if you can stop the repetition.
2. You get what you notice.
This tip goes for positive and negative observations. This concept works -- especially with parenting. If you continuously notice the “negative," then you will get more of that outcome. If you notice everything you do not like about your partner, then the negativity will breed. Try noticing, validating, and acknowledging the behaviors you would like to see increase. For example, you can say, “I really like it when you kiss me goodbye.” The trick is to keep the “hooks” out of the comments. Don't say, “I really like it when you finally remember to kiss me goodbye.” That is a hook, and it makes the nice, positive statement hurtful and negative. Try noticing what you want (without the hooks), and see if it works.
3. Express your anger assertively.
Anger is just an emotion. It is not “good” or “bad.” Emotions are our barometer to our world. They tell us if we like or do not like what is occurring in our surrounding world. In a way, anger is a good emotion because it tells us when something hurtful is happening. Expressing our anger is an important aspect of good emotional health. Feeling the anger is good, but it is how we choose to express this anger may help or hinder a situation. Expressing our anger in an aggressive or hurtful way will damage our relationship. Sometimes we just need to tools to help us express ourselves in a healthy, assertive manner. Find a program that will help you. Remember you learned how to express your anger in your family of origin. It is a learned behavior, and you must therefore exert a great amount of effort in order to change that behavior.
4. Be polite and kind.
This is almost too basic, right? Well, sometimes when we are with people every day, we forget to treat them with respect and kindness. Just because they are our partner or our family does not mean they do not deserve care and kindness. As an adult, you can "ask" kids to do something politely instead of simply demanding their compliance. I have a secret for you: adults respond that way, too. So, if you want your partner to do something, try asking politely. If we are stressed with life, sometimes we take it out on our family. If you find that is your pattern, find a way to reduce your stress so you can be kind to the people who are most important to you and care about you more than anyone else.
5. Take care of yourself, too.
Taking care of others is admirable. Sometimes we feel good only when we take care of others. If you “routinely” take care of others' needs instead of your own, you may have some co-dependent tendencies. If you feel you may have co-dependent behaviors that interfere with your relationship, find a way to change. Several books address the topic of codependent behaviors. I personally prefer Co-Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Taking care of yourself is important so you can truly be there for others when you need to be. Think of it as having a basket that contains your issues. Everyone in the world has a personal basket of issues. If you take others issues out of their basket to “take care of them,” then you are robbing them of the chance to use their own power over their world. When someone throws their “issues” in your basket, you can take them back out and put them where they belong. If you are codependent, then you will keep them there. Again, I want to remind you that we learn many behavioral patterns in our family of origin. If we were given the role of caretaker while we were growing up, then we may have a difficult time freeing ourselves from that pattern.
6. Remember: you are the only thing you really control.
Okay, you don’t have to believe this at first, but hear me out. Think about it. If you ask your children to do something, and they refuse -- even if you beat them within an inch of their life (please do not try this at home!), -\and then they do what you want them to do, they are still deciding to perform the action. Adults are the same. We cannot make someone angry. Someone cannot make us angry. Don’t give anyone else that power. Only you can decide if you are going to be angry. Only you have control over yourself, your behaviors, and your choices. Take a deep breath. Try it on. It will actually lower your stress level, and you will realize you cannot control the world…
7. It is okay to make a mistake and be “wrong.”
It takes a secure person to have the ability to openly accept making mistakes. That concept seems so backwards. When we are human, we make mistakes. Now I know I am a “Goddess,” but I am a “human” Goddess, so making mistakes is okay. Isn’t it is simply annoying to spend time with people who think they are perfect and never make mistakes? Wouldn’t it be awful to live with someone who truly is perfect and never makes mistakes? Yikes!!! I want someone who is “real” -- flaws, mistakes, human frailties, and all. Then, it's much easier to be the real me.
8. Be aware: you both can be "right."
When couples come in for counseling, I have them complete personality profiles. This will help them notice the “differences.” Try completing a personality profile as well. It will help you maximize your similarities and appreciate your differences. It can be different, not right and wrong. Give it a try.
9. Touch more, touch more, touch more...
This is my favorite one. This doesn’t mean groping or sexual touching. Well, the sexual touching is good, too -- if it is consensual. The touch I am referring to is good ol' human touching. "I-care-about-you, I-love-you, I-think-you-are-special"-touching. Try stroking hair gently, squeezing hands, hugging, stroking the cheek with the back of your hand, patting, etc. Try this anywhere. Here is where the communication is so important. Ask your partner what kind of touching he/she would like, and tell your partner what kind of touching you would like. Sometimes we just need to be touched or held and not have sex. Have a touching conversation with your partner… Okay, that was a sneaky one. You get the picture. Give the non-sexual touching a try. Human touch is a basic human need. Don’t get me wrong, sex can be an important part of a relationship, too. If your sex does not sizzle, find some information about being a lover. We are not taught to be a lover. We are forced to educate ourselves or use the world of media information. We all know media information can be wrong, so be sure to get the straight scope on sex. Take a workshop together. Communicate about your needs and wishes. Talk about fantasies and see if you can fulfill those for each other. All kinds of touch help a relationship...usually. By that I mean you must communicate personal preferences. So, talk about it.
10. Take time to talk, listen, care, and touch. Take time to be together as well. This builds and nurtures your relationship.
When I counsel couples, at one point, I will give them four-hour homework. I spell this out in my relationship healing and enhancement program in the chapter entitled "Hot Monogamy." Yes, monogamy can be hot, but it takes work, time, and attention. A relationship is a living thing. It must be nurtured and given attention. A relationship does not take care of itself. So, if you want hot monogamy, then pay attention. Give yourself relationship time, away from kids and others. Make special time just for you and your partner. Talk about what you like, need, and want. Give yourself the gift of eternal love with your partner. Schedule routine time together - alone. This means weekly, daily, and monthly. Discover some activities that will increase your emotional intimacy. As a result, the emotional intimacy will bring a deeper aspect to your relationship.
In closing, I wish you joy and happiness in your relationship. Take care of yourself and be sure to successfully communicate your needs. Express yourself in a way that does not hurt anyone -- even you. Find the hot monogamy that is available. Be happy, and thanks for reading.
©Copyright 2010 by Yvonne Sinclair M.A., MFCC. All Rights Reserved.
