Self
Care: Learning to Attend to All of Our Needs
by Cindy Ricardo, LMHC, CIRT, PYT
What does Self Care mean to you?
Before reading the rest of this
article, I invite you to get a blank piece of paper and write down all
thoughts, images and words that come to mind when you hear the word self-care.
No! Don’t peek, look for hints or clues…just jot down your response.
Beyond Our Physical Needs…
Did you have a difficult time
defining self-care? If you did you’re not alone! When most of us hear the term
“self-care” we immediately think about physical needs. Given the messages we
often receive from society, the media, family, friends and others, this isn’t
really surprising.
Society
and the media constantly bombard us with messages about the need to look
pretty, handsome, skinnier, younger, wrinkle free etc. All of these factors
place a strong emphasis on taking care of outside and little or nothing on
caring for our inner needs.
Gender roles also influence our
perception of self-care. For example, women are taught from an early age about
the importance of nurturing and taking care of others. As mothers the focus is
on meeting the needs of children, husband and household before addressing their
own needs. They’re taught to take care of their physical appearance, lose
weight and avoid aging at all cost so that they’ll fit into societies idea of
an attractive woman. Men are taught to be outwardly strong (don’t be vulnerable
or show emotions), provide financial security for the family and work hard in
order to do so. However, self-care covers a much broader range of needs.
To feel balanced in today’s world we
must address both our inner and outer needs…
Ever feel overwhelmed, depressed or
anxious? Do you find yourself lost in thought, struggling with emotions, or a
physical illness? Are there times where you feel like an empty shell wanting to
withdraw from the world and unable to connect with others or nature? If you
answered yes to any of these questions then this is a sign that certain needs
aren’t being addressed. These signals point to areas within you that are in
need of attention, nurturing and care. Addressing neglected aspects of your
inner and outer world is Self-Care. When we develop this practice we can begin
to thrive instead of merely surviving.
Think about this, if we only take
care of the outside how can we possibly feel alive, find balance and feel
healthy? And without meeting our deeper needs how can we interact with
ourselves and others in a way that leads to meaningful and fulfilling
relationships?
Why Self Care is essential…
The first time I became aware about the importance of
self-care was over 14 years ago, when I worked as a Mental Health Counselor at
a center for abused women. Leading Groups for Survivor’s of Domestic Violence I
heard many stories about how abuse caused intense hurt, fear, shame, anger, and
resentment (both towards the abuser and towards themselves).
The one common thread linking all of
these experiences was how much of these women’s energy focused on survival and
protection; surviving and protecting their children first and then themselves.
There was little time left to focus on self care. These women’s self worth and
self esteem suffered tremendously as a result of abuse they suffered. The focus
was on trying to meet the unrealistic expectations of the abusive partner in
the hopes that the abuse would end. There was little or no attention on meeting
their own physical, emotional, mental or spiritual needs.
It was in addressing the need to
focus on self-care that these women began to value themselves, became empowered
and found balance in their lives. They had to begin by learning to attune, heal
and soothe their emotions, find ways to express their emotions and develop a
spiritual practice (journaling, attending support groups, reaching out for
help). It was only when they shifted their focus that they could begin to take
gradual steps towards empowerment, freedom and safety.
Working in private practice, addressing issues such as
depression, co-dependency, anxiety, and relationship issues I’ve recognized
that one of the most important questions I can ask a client is how they take
care of their emotional, mental, spiritual and physical needs. I’ve found that
self care is an essential part of the healing process. It’s in noticing areas
that are in need of healing and attention that the process of transformation
and growth can begin.
Our greatest suffering comes when we
lose our identity and power by focusing on trying to meet the needs of others
before taking care of ourselves. We also build a lot of resentment and self
hatred when we neglect ourselves. Ultimately, it is when we connect and address
our own needs that we can find balance and happiness and when this happens we
can give to others from a full heart.
Tips to developing a Self Care
Practice:
- Make a pie chart of your needs. Include emotional,
spiritual, physical and intellectual needs. In each section, write down
the ways that you address each aspect of self care. For example under
spiritual needs you might list taking a yoga class, writing in a journal,
practicing Mindfulness, praying or meditating.
- “Compassion heals while judgment destroys.” During
times of stress, or difficulty notice if you are reacting with anger and
judgment towards yourself or the situation. Learn to respond with
compassion. Develop an inner voice that is loving and caring. If you’re
not sure what this would sound like think about how you’d respond to a
friend in need.
- Learn to accept what is going on in your life instead
of resisting or going to war with it. Acceptance isn’t resignation, giving
up, stories or judgments. It’s about being present to what’s happening in
your life without pushing anything out of awareness. Once you accept you
can explore different options or choices and begin to implement changes.
- Reflect on whether you’re responding to your emotional,
mental, spiritual or physical needs. Are you taking good care of both
outer and inner needs? Are you listening to your inner voice when it tells
you to slow down, set boundaries, take care of your body, rest, or
exercise?
- Reach out to a friend when you’re in need of support.
Many of us are great at listening and caring about others feelings and not
so great at reaching out when we’re in need.
- Make a list of things that nourish your spirit and make
you come alive. Is it music, art, writing, cooking or dancing? If you’re
not sure what would be on this list explore new activities or hobbies.
- Connect with nature. Take a walk on the beach or in a
park and really attune to the sounds and sights that surround you. Allow
your senses to be open and let yourself be nourished by nature.
- They say that laughter is the best medicine and it’s
true! Invite a couple of friends, a boyfriend or family friend over and
watch funny and inspiring movies that make you laugh out loud.
The list of things you can do to
develop a self-care practice is endless! However, the most important message I
can leave you with is that it’s in learning to respond to our own needs with
acceptance, compassion and a willingness to make healthy changes that we can
begin to bring balance into our lives and connect with the joy and beauty that
surrounds us. May you be inspired to create a life filled with moments of profound
peace, joy and happiness
Cindy
Ricardo, LMHC, CIRT, PYT
Certified
IMAGO Relationship Therapist
Prem Yoga Teacher
954-793-6442
www.acaringcounselor.net or
acaringcounselor.com
and please visit my couples blog at Relationship Central...helping create loving relationships!
To view my link on Psychology today click on the following:
http://therapist.psychologytoday.com/40641
©Copyright
2011 by Yvonne Sinclair M.A., MFCC. All Rights Reserved. All material
is owned and protected. Reproduction without the express written consent
of the author is forbidden.
