Discover the unique guidance only a dad can give his little girl

By Alexandra Gekas Posted June 16, 2011 from WomansDay.com

While equally important to a son, there’s no doubt that a dad plays a unique role in his daughter's life. Not only does he give her a sense of safety and stability, but he can also guide her through important life challenges just by being a loving male role model. “So much of what a father teaches his children is not necessarily done by sitting down and talking to them, but by behaving the way he wants his children to behave,” says Matthew Weinshenker, PhD, assistant professor of sociology at Fordham University. Read on to learn what principles a man should teach his daughter to show her that Dad really does know best.

1. Embrace your assertiveness.

 To dispel the stereotype that women should avoid confrontation at all costs, it’s important for young girls to accept their "anger and assertiveness," says Linda Nielsen, EdD, educational and adolescent psychologist at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and author of Between Fathers and Daughters. While this does not mean indulging her temper, it's important that when there is conflict, a father engage with his daughter, instead of allowing the mother to step in as an intermediary. "[A girl] has to be really comfortable expressing her anger and being assertive. If she can't do it with her dad, she [won’t be able to] do it with a male boss, boyfriend, all the way down the line," Dr. Nielsen notes. "A father needs to ‘receive’ her anger and assertiveness rather than punish her for it. He can also compliment her for expressing herself honestly and assertively,” Dr. Nielsen adds. Photo: Alto/Matthieu Spohn/Getty Images

2. Seek out healthy relationships.

 “Research certainly shows that the old saying is true: ‘One of the best things a man can do for his children is to love their mother,’” Dr. Weinshenker says. “Modeling a good, respectful and loving relationship does have an important effect on children.” Another way a father can help his daughter build strong relationships in the future is by teaching her to be herself, Dr. Nielsen says, and making statements such as: “Do not change yourself like a chameleon to try to suit the man you're with,” and “There's a lid for every pot, you just be yourself.” Finally, fathers should be as direct as possible when speaking with their daughters. "You have got to teach her to clearly communicate with you because that is how she's going to learn to communicate with all of the men in her life,” adds Dr. Nielsen. Photo: Ron Levine/Getty Images

3. Strive for success.

 One of the greatest challenges in life can be figuring out what you want and then having the courage to go after it. A father can help his daughter by giving her the tools she'll need to do just that. "First you have to help her find out what those dreams are, then you have to give her the foundation to go after those dreams," says Bernard Percy, a former educator in New York City and Los Angeles public schools and author of Moments of Astonishment—On Becoming a Better Dad. And that means giving her the opportunity to succeed so she has confidence that she can do it. "It's important to find and create the appropriate challenges for your daughters. When they overcome the right challenges for themselves, they will develop a level of certainty in their ability to creatively solve problems. Individuals thrive in the presence of a challenging environment." For example, if your teenage daughter has set her sights on a car, help her achieve this goal by herself by agreeing to match every dollar that she puts toward the vehicle. You want to set goals for your children that are difficult but attainable so they feel the reward of hard work and self-confidence derived from their own successes. Photo: Lane Oatey/Getty Images

4. Be self-sufficient.

 While it's hard for parents not to pick up their children every time they fall, sometimes a father is doing his daughter a disservice by bailing her out of trouble—especially when it comes to money. "You have got to teach your daughter to become financially self-reliant. She does not need a man's money for anything. She doesn't need it to enhance her status, and she doesn't need to pick the guy with the most money rather than the man she cares most about," Dr. Nielsen says. "So stop acting like her ATM machine. You're not helping her, you're hurting her." Photo: Tooga/Getty Images

5. Car maintenance isn't just a male thing.

 Dads often double as driving instructors during teen years, but the lessons shouldn’t stop there. Knowing how to take care of a car is equally important as learning how to drive one. Butch Barclay, owner of three Jiffy Lube service centers in Little Rock, Arkansas, suggests taking a drive to a local gas station for a lesson on tire pressure. “Show her where to find the proper inflation level in the owner’s manual, how to check the pressure on a tire and, most importantly, demonstrate how to adjust the air pressure if it’s not at the proper level,” he says. Other important lessons: noting where the antifreeze, oil and windshield washer fluid are located as well as how to check and refill them; an explanation of the dashboard warning indicators; and how to change a flat tire. Not only will this teach her that she can do anything boys can do, “she’ll learn that taking care of something properly will help maintain its performance and value. And by being in charge of the vehicle’s upkeep, she’ll take on a variety of responsibilities that will teach her about being prepared and solving problems.” Photo: Littlebird Pictures/Getty Images

6. Accept responsibility when you're wrong.

 This can be a tough one, even for adults, because it entails not only admitting you were wrong but also correcting your course of action. A great way to model this kind of acceptance is to practice what you preach. "If she sees you manning up or acting with integrity, that's one of the great reflections you want to see in your child," Percy says, noting that when his daughters come to him with a problem, he doesn't give them a solution. Instead he helps them figure out where they went wrong so they can come up with their own resolution. Allowing her to accept responsibility for a mistake by encouraging her to fix it herself, instead of swooping in and solving the problem, helps her figure out how to own up to the good and bad things that happen along the road of life. Photo: Photolibrary/Getty Images

7. Perfection is a myth.

 With so much pressure to have the perfect body, perfect career and perfect family, it's no wonder women are feeling more overwhelmed than ever before. When a daughter is young, a father should tell her "stories about his own imperfections, mistakes he has made, times he has embarrassed himself, which of his characteristics he least likes, things he wishes he had done differently, but was too 'imperfect' to get right the first time—especially his imperfections when he was her age," Dr. Nielsen says. "Second, talk with her outright about the pressure on women and men to be perfect in order to be loved. Men, for example, are supposed to make big incomes, work 60 hours a week for those incomes, and then be a romantic husband and great father in their 'spare' time." Photo: Compassionate Eye Foundation/Getty Images

8. Real love is unconditional.

 While lavishing a child with presents and affection may feel right in the moment, there are other expressions of love that are better for helping her excel in life. "It's a combination of support and challenge," says Dr. Weinshenker. "Encourage your children to be their best, but at the same time make it clear that you are there for them and will love them no matter what they do." A primary way to do this is for a father to give his time and attention, according to Dr. Weinshenker, whether that means listening to how her day was, showing up at an important event or always making it home for dinner. Physical affection is also vital. “Fathers have been told by society that it is inappropriate for them to hug their daughters once they start to mature sexually—past the age of 12 or so,” Dr. Nielsen says. “He should ignore this training and give her big bear hugs when he feels like it. It's important because it's just one more way of showing her that he is not uncomfortable with her growing up, with her becoming a sexual person or with her maturing body.” Photo: Siri Stafford/Thinkstock