Communication

Communication can be the most important aspect of any relationship. Congratulations! You are taking the initiative to commence a journey leading to a healthier relationship. Changing a behavior is not easy. We have communicated in a certain way since birth. Changing that method of behavior takes concentration and time. The change yield positive and rewarding results as we learn effective communicate our needs and feelings.

 Adopting a new way of communication can be tedious. It is a though you went to the dentist, and the dentist told you that the way you have brushed your teeth for years and years was all wrong. The dentist says, don’t brush up and down. Brush down, down, down on the top and up, up, up on the bottom.” Changing that method will force you to slow down and concentrate. At first, the new behavior seems strange and difficult. After you practice for a while, the new method becomes increasingly familiar. Eventually, it becomes as automatic as the old way.

 This process parallels the process required to change your way of communication. You will need to slow down and pay attention.

 Sometimes we learn behaviors in childhood, especially if we have had a difficult childhood. Our environment forced us to adopt certain habits and behaviors in order to survive that challenging childhood. We can acknowledge the behaviors that worked for us in our childhood but are now interfering with a successful relationship.

 If we learn to communicate in an effective way any issue can be resolved. However, this does not necessarily mean the resolution will be positive. It may mean that when we resolve our issue. we discover we are not happy with the relationship and need to move on.

 If the communication is effective, the probability of working through issues and making the relationship work is much higher. Sometimes couples come to see me, and they have been having routine disagreements and arguments. Once they slow down and listen, they begin to realize they are on the same page as their significant other. They learn the concept of “different,” not right and wrong.

 If one person has to be “right,” and other person has to be “wrong,” you are setting yourself up for failure. Think about agreeing to disagree. Think about allowing the other person the right to be different than you. Think about slowing down and really listening to your partner’s words and feelings. The formula for communication in this chapter will help you to acquire a new, more effective behavior.

 Communication is the key to letting others know how we feel and what we need. We communicate in many ways. Our body language and our walk can communicate who we are, how we are feeling, and the condition of our health. Our eyes communicate feelings and opinions. Even sighs and groans communicate. The way we touch, or do not touch, tells others about us. Our words are not the only communication tools we use.

 We will address how to learn to use our words in order to communicate in a way others can hear. We will also learn to communicate in a way that will allow us to feel heard. In an assertive way that gets our needs and wishes heard and perhaps met in a healthy way that will enhance your relationship and bring you closer together. Remember, you may agree to disagree…there is NO wrong….Just right and right. You can experience the same event and have a totally different memory of the event. not right and wrong butdifferent.

Communication can be aggressive, passive, assertive, or passive aggressive.

 Here is an example of the different communication patterns:

You are sitting at dinner and want the salt.

 Aggressive communication example: Using an aggressive communication style means you are trying to get your needs met through various types of force: verbal, emotional, or physical. Your statement will sound bossy and loud. For example, “CAN’T ANY OF YOU STUPID PEOPLE PASS THE SALT?!?”

 Aggressive styles of communication can feel violent. Yelling, swearing, and calling names are forms of violence.

 Passive communication example: When you communicate in a passive manner, there may not be a statement. You may only hint at what you need. You sit quietly wishing someone would pass the salt.

 Assertive communication example: When you communicate assertively, you increase the chance of getting your needs met without hurting anyone else or using force. This is what an assertive statement would sound like: “Would someone please pass me the salt?”

 Passive aggressive communication example: Your boss asks you to file some things, and filing is not your job. You are irritated, so you file them all incorrectly on purpose.

 Passive aggressive behaviors are unhealthy forms of communication, because you make yourself the victim and therefore don’t proactively pursue your own needs.

 Some people have the talent of mind reading, but most of us are not able to read another’s mind. Even though someone loves you, he/she probably can NOT read your mind. Passive styles of communication rely on the wish our mind can be read and our needs can be magically met.

           It is your responsibility to ask for your own needs. This is assertive communication and is also the healthy form of communication. Assertive communication gets us what we need or want without hurting anyone.

 Life Filters

 We listen and talk through our “life filters.” Life filters are ways we learn to speak, listen, express anger, and communication using other methods.

 Here is a little story intended to help you understand “life filters.”

 John grew up in Sweden. When he graduated from college, he moved to New York to work. He lived there about six months before he became really, really home sick.

 One morning he was riding the subway to work when a blond woman got on the same car. He was struck with the beauty of her blondness, and it increased his home sickness. Oh he sure missed Sweden and all of the Swedish blonds.

 As they stepped off of the car, they were standing next to each other. John turned to Kate and said, “You have beautiful hair.” Now Kate grew up in the Broncs, and when someone mentioned her hair, it was to indicate they thought she was an “air-head blond person.”

 Kate could have given John a wicked eye and stomped off to work to tell her co-workers about the “jerk” she met on the subway. That would have caused John to miss home even more and he would have told his co-workers about the rude woman he had complemented on the way to work.

But this is my story, so here is how it goes:

 Kate turns to John and says (this is reflective listening-a clue for you later) “What you think I am an “airhead?” John was a little shocked and said “NO! I think your hair is beautiful, and it makes me lonely for my home, Sweden.”

 Well Kate and John had lunch, and got married, and lived happily ever after…..Yea!

 There is so much between lunch and happily ever after. It would be like a story that goes like this: Once upon a time there was a man with a pile of sticks. He built a house. It was a good house.

 There is a lot of work between the pile of sticks and the house-just like there is a lot of work and paying attention between John and Kate’s lunch and their happily ever after.

 Relationships take time, energy, feeding, and nurturing. They are living breathing entities. You can have wonderful, just okay, cold nothingness, or abusive relationships. You choose. 

 This program gives you tools to build a strong healthy growing relationship and teaches you to enhance that relationship.

  If you put the tools in the toolbox and leave them there nothing changes. It is totally up to you. ONE word of reality check is….”relationships take two.” Two people working toward the same goal.

  Let's start the foundation of our relationship.

 This next section will give you a format for basic communication.

 This format is so simple and yet so hard. It is a simple formula to express yourself, but it is a difficult format to adopt because you have been expressing yourself YOUR way since you were born. Learning a new way to communicate is like learning a new dance or teaching yourself to brush your teeth a completely different way. It takes attention, practice, and persistence until you use it and it becomes automatic like dancing, riding a bike, or learning a new computer program.

 The format will help you to talk to someone else without your finger wagging at him/her. It will help you identify your feelings when certain events happen. It will help you identify your needs and wishes. Therefore, this new form of communication is more for you than it is for anyone else.

 The second part of the format will teach “reflective listening.” This will slow you down so you are actually listening to the speaker instead of thinking of what YOU will say next. It will then allow you to tell the speaker if you have heard the statement the way it was intended to be heard.

Example:

 You say. “Could you help me with the yard this weekend?”

 Your significant other hears. “You never do anything!”

 Reflective listening means the significant other will say, “What I hear you say is I am Lazy.” You will then clarify. “No, I just wanted to be sure we were both available for yard work this weekend.”

 Our “life filters” help or hinder our communication. As with John and Kate, we may hear something totally different than the speaker originally intended. The speaker is NOT WRONG, and the listener is NOT WRONG.

 The next page contains the Communication Guide. You may want to copy this and use it to write on. Keep a clean one so you can make other copies. Make at least two copies so each of you can have one.

 This tool is an excellent tool to talk to anyone: your kids, your boss, your mother, your father, sister, or anyone.

Communication Guide

 The first person is person “A”:

 When______________________________(this happens)

 I feel_______________________________(emotional feeling)

(See attached “feelings cheat sheet”)

 because_____________________________

 and I want___________________________

 (Keep it short and to the point. This identifies what feeling comes up when something happens, why these feelings come up, and your own needs.)

 The second person is person” B”:

 What I hear you say is_______________________________.

 This is “reflective listening,” you state back the jest of what you heard or the emotion you heard. Keep it short. Then if that is not what A meant for you to hear, person A will say “No that is not what I wanted you to hear” and repeat the statement in a different way or using different words so that his/her statement can be better understood.

 We talk and listen through our “life filters.” What one person says and intends to be heard may be totally different than what the receiver hears. The reflective listening confirms if the message was heard in the way in which the speaker intended.

Homework:  

Practice the communication tool on the previous page for at least ten minutes each day. Each person should take turns being A and being B. Keep the “hooks” out of your statements.   For example, “You are wearing the dress I gave you finally.” This would be a “hook,” meaning the compliment is hooked away.

 Keep the statements about you and your feelings, not about the other person’s shortcomings. Keep this clear in all the sections of  this exercise.

 The “I feel” part needs to be an emotion, not a physical feeling or a “think.” Use your feelings cheat sheet and take your time. Some people are not in touch with their emotions. Feelings just are. They are not right, and they are not wrong. They are not good or bad. They can feel good or feel bad. Feelings are always there. They are sometime quiet, calm, and not obvious. Other times they are like a hurricane. However, you are always feeling something. If you have trouble getting in touch with your feelings, practice all through the day, ask yourself every few minutes or on the hour “what am I feeling now?” This will help to identify (for us and for our listener) why we are feeling this way. Again, keep it short.

 The “and I want” part of the communication format well tell the listener what you really want. It will also identify your yourself what your needs are around this issue.

 This is how the format will sound when it is done correctly:

 When -you come home and start yelling,

I feel- angry

because -I am tired, too, and we are in this together

and I want- to know what you need to make your mood different because I want a peaceful evening, too.

 This how the format will sound when it is done “wrong”:

 When -you come home and start your nasty yelling,

I feel-like throwing up my hands in disgust

because -you are always (always and never are a clue this is out of control and not on track) yelling and never take me into consideration,

and I want -you to stop your loud mouth.

 Do you see the difference? The first is about you notice! That is true in any relationship. If we continue to notice only the negative aspects, you will get more of that. If you acknowledge the positive aspects, and the behaviors you want to see more, you will get an increase in those behaviors.

 Practice makes perfect.

 You will not use this new communication formula when you get upset if you have not practiced. You must be comfortable with the rhythm, how the words go together, and in touch with your feelings. You will not go into the appropriate format if you have not practiced enough to make the new behavior feel automatic.

 Old habits of survival or old ways that are easier and more familiar will take over. As a result, your progress will suffer. You should give yourself the gift of change and growth. Give yourself the gift of new beginnings. Give yourself the gift of happiness.

  Practice expressing yourself in a way others can hear what you need them to hear. Practice expressing in a way that helps you identify what is happening for you. This new way of expression will work for you in all of your relationships, friendships, other significant relationships, and even encounters with casual contacts.

Anger

 Just a note here about anger. Anger is “just” an emotion. It feels bad, but it is not bad. What we do with our anger either works for us, or it gets us trouble. We communicate our anger in a positive, healthy way by being be assertive and angry. We can be angry with someone and still love him/her. One of the later sections will address anger and “anger management.”

 Congratulations! You should be proud of your courage to change yourself and your learned behaviors. I send my best to you. Remember, practice makes perfect. Anything worth having is worth working for, and old habits die hard, Yes, some of those old sayings are actually right on,

 Suggested Reading

Unfinished Business by Maggie Scarf

 Intimate Partners: Patterns of Love and Marriage by Maggie Scarf

 How to Listen so your Kids will Talk and How to Talk so your Kids will Listen by Adel Faber and Elaine Mazlish

 101 Romantic Nights of Grreat Romance: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples by Laura Corn

 Tantra Secrets for Men by Kerry Riley with Diane Riley

 Nonviolent Communication-A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD

 Tantra – The Art of Conscious Loving by Charles and Caroline Muir

 Hot Monogamy – Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate, Lovemaking by Patricia Love, MD and Jo Robinson

 Co-dependant No More by Melodie Beattie

 Suggested Websites;

 Go to “links” on www.marriagecounseling4u.com to find links for books, tantra, teaching videos and more

Anger “Management” and healthy expression

Welcome to Chapter Three in the Complete Program for Relationship Healing and Enhancement.

In this chapter we will discuss anger, anger management, and anger expression. “Management” to some people may mean keeping their anger inside, holding anger in or “stuffing” it. This form of “management” is like blowing a little air into a balloon each time you are frustrated, angry, mad, irritated, or annoyed. Each time you “stuff” your anger you fill the balloon with a little more air. Finally, the balloon will burst just as you may explode with anger or rage. Suddenly you may be expressing anger in a way that hurts others and gets you into trouble. The anger comes out somewhere even when we think we are “controlling” it. It may express itself with physical sickness or emotional pain.

Is anger bad? Anger feels bad! Anger can raise your stress and affect your health, especially when you “manage” your anger by keeping it to yourself. When you “stuff” your angry feelings you are not managing them, this form of anger “management” can jeopardize your health and wellbeing. The way we express our anger is learned in our family of origin where we grew up. Do we stuff, or explode, or slam doors, or use our words….these methods are learned from the people who were in charge of modeling anger expression for us when we were growing up. Now, as adults, we are modeling anger expression for another generation. We are showing the children how to express anger. We can change their anger management by changing our own way of expressing anger.

Some times we avoid expressing our anger out of need to take care of others. We “stuff” our anger or avoid open, honest communication because we feel it will upset the other person. In a later chapter you will learn this behavior is called co-dependent behavior and is not healthy for yourself or others in your relationship.

Anger finds a way to come out no matter. It may express itself in a physical illness. It may come out all at once in a rage or angry explosion. Some way anger will find a way to express itself. It can be healthy or unhealthy, you are the one to choose. Learning to express anger in a way that will be positive for your relationship and others around you and learning to make healthy choices about anger expression will not only be good for you, but will also protect the people around you. If we stuff anger, others may sense something is wrong and this may set us up to be avoided or misunderstood. The other people around us only have their imagination to decide why we are upset.

Sometimes anger expression is avoided for other reasons, like fear of losing control, fear of hurting or offending another person, fear we will be disliked or rejected, fear our partner will no longer like us.

ANGER FACTS

*Anger is not a bad emotion. Anger is a “normal” emotion.

*Anger feelings are normal. Everyone feels angry at one time or another

*Anger can be controlled. It is easier to control early. You can learn ways

to control your anger.

*Ignoring your anger is like blowing air into a balloon. The angry feeling

build and build until it explodes.

*Even after you are angry you can control your anger. You can learn to

calm down and learn to avoid anger triggers for you.

Anger is a bad feeling emotion. The FACT is anger is JUST an emotion. Anger is not bad or good. Anger just IS….emotions are always there. Emotions are like weather they are always present. Sometimes emotions are calm and we don’t notice they are a part of US. Sometimes emotions are like a hurricane and impossible to ignore. Emotions are also our barometer to what is going on around us. Happy….”hey something is going on you like.”

Mad….”hey something is going on you do NOT like.”So if we listen to our emotions we can discover what is going on in our world and what affect the event is having on us.

We can use our anger energy for a positive response. We can notice our anger early and express in a healthy way. This anger “management” allows our body to be clear and then anger does not have a negative effect on our health.

When your partner is angry you may feel uncomfortable. You may feel afraid if in your family of origin angry meant violence followed. Your partner’s anger belongs to your partner. Remember you are not in charge of making it okay. YOU do not have to “fix” it. It is not in your basket of issues. You can CARE, you can be there for them, but it is not under your control. As a partner you will want to be there for them, hear them, allow them to express, and if the anger is about your relationship-communicate about resolution.

Men are sometimes given the message, as they grow up, that the male person in a relationship is responsible for EVERYTHING….responsible for making sure all works Well.  Men are sometimes given the message they are responsible for everything running smoothly - The kids, the car, the yard, the house, the finances, and the relationship, etc etc…this is an impossible job for one person. If you were given these messages, male or female, and feel you need to be the one to “fix” everything, your partners anger may be especially troubling for you.

If you “gotta” fix it you will not want to hear about anything you CANNOT fix. This prevents you from being able to just be there for your partner if they are upset and just need to talk. I would like to suggest you change your personal message to a realistic message. One person cannot and should not be in charge of making everything right for anyone else. So, when you go to the “I gotta fix it” place, tell yourself “I DON’T gotta fix anything”. This will help you be there for your partner when they are experiencing anger. Allow them to express without needing to “fix” the situation for them. Even if the anger is about your relationship you do not “gotta” fix it…only be there to communicate about resolution.

Webster defines anger as a noun and meaning a feeling of displeasure resulting from injury, mistreatment, opposition, and usually showing itself in a desire to fight back at the supposed cause of this feeling. Anger is not bad….it tells us something is happening that is not good for us. You can learn to use this energy to keep yourself safe or resolve what is not right with your world.

When you and your partner need to express anger around relationship issues use the communication skills in Level One to keep your discussion on track, calm, and focused.

Course on Anger Management

First understand anger is not BAD. You are not BAD to feel angry. Everyone feels anger at one time or another. It is what we do with our Anger that gets us in trouble or not. First we need to notice when we are angry.

Homework:

Step ONE to Anger Management Health

Noticing your negative emotions. For a week keep track of each time you are frustrated, angry, mad, annoyed, or irritated. Keep beans or toothpicks, something small, in your pocket and each time you notice you are frustrated or angry transfer one to another pocket. You can actually keep track of the total count, but the point of the exercise is to raise your awareness of these feelings not to actually keep track of how many times you are mad. There is no good or bad amount….again these feelings just ARE. The GOOD part is the noticing.

Noticing your negative feelings will give you the awareness to then express them. If you ignore your feelings the chances of the pressure building is good. This exercise will get you ready for Step two.

Remember you are responsible for you anger. Finding someone else at fault for your anger and your expression will not only sabotage your changing behaviors, but it will give them power over your expression that is not truly theirs. Someone else cannot make you mad, only you can allow yourself to become angry. Take responsibility for your own behaviors and choices.

Step TWO to Anger Management Health-Second Week

Expressing that negative emotion When we “stuff” our angry feeling we build up the angry energy and one little thing can cause an explosion. This is like blowing little bits of air into a balloon again and again and again. Eventually the balloon will explode. This next week continue to notice each time you are having negative feeling that may lead to anger. Each time you notice a feeling of anger, frustration, annoyed express yourself outloud in some way. You can just sigh…or scream in your car…or use your words “I hate this”…some sound must come from you to dissipate the negative energy. In the work place you could use the restroom to express. You can give yourself a personal expression “code” that will tell your body you are letting off “steam”. This could be a word or sigh or just a certain kind of breath. Be creative and learn to let it out instead of “stuffing”.

Step THREE to Anger Management Health

Time-out rules

When we are feeling our anger raise to a point it will interfere with our communication or calm thinking, taking a time out is a responsible thing to do. Time out does not mean walking out the door and slamming it behind you leaving your partner to wonder if you are coming back and where you are going. There is a specific formula or “rules” for time out so that the time can be a positive action.

Here are the rules for a healthy productive time out session.

*Partner A is feeling a need for time out to cool down, or collect their thoughts says; “I am beginning to feel I WANT a time out.”

*Partner B takes a deep breath and discontinues the communication for the moment.

*An appointment to resume discussion is negotiated. For example “ we will return to try again in ½ hour” or one hour, however long it takes for Partner A to feel they can cool down. Both partners agree what is good timing for them.

*Both partners separate to another part of the house or one partner goes for a walk or drive.

*Both partners do something positive and constructive. They explore their part of the dance and watch their self talk around the situation…such as avoid thoughts like “he/she is such a jerk, they NEVER listen” Do not drink or take drugs during this time.

*At the appointed time both partners return to try again. If one partner says “I don’t want to talk about this now” then don't. *Respect for the other partner is essential. If the fact your partner does not want to talk precepitates anger for you, take another time-out.

*If when you return one of you is still not ready to discuss this issue. Make an appointment for a later time or date to try again.

Time-outs help to establish trust between the partners. You will learn to trust each other to honor wishes, boundaries, and needs. You will learn to communicate ways to honor differences. You will learn to trust the other to return and try again. You will learn to trust your partner to honor your wishes for space and you will learn to honor theirs.

Practice time-out even when you don’t need one.

Step Four to Anger Management Health

Getting Physical

Doing something to calm your angry feelings before they build to an explosion is a healthy way to “manage” your angry. Using words and sounds helps. Lets talk about doing something physical to help lower your stress level and decrease angry feelings.

Self-Soothing Plans; here are some ideas to consider.

Try them out and decide which ones work best for you.

*Deep Breathing – take three deep breaths. Air in and then blow out like you were blowing out a candle. Do this at least three times.

*4X4X4 – Breathe in to the count of four, hold the breathe to a count of four, then let the breathe out slowly to a count of four.

*Jogging…..run or walk around the block.

*Basketball….go shoot some hoops.

*Count slowly. Start at 10 and go to one.

*Ripping newspaper helps to lower anger. Rules for ripping paper. Rip paper, scrunch it up and throw it in a basket or paper bag.

*Muscle work can help….do you clench your jaw when you are stressed or angry? Clench it really really hard-twelve times in a row. This will help to relax you. You can do the same with neck muscles and arms. Legs, back. Etc. systematically relax yourself. The attention on your physical can distract you from your anger.

 *Progressive relaxation: Start with your facial muscles and tighten them to the count of ten. Now relax them. Pick another set of muscles and do the same. Progress slowly down your neck and shoulders all the way to your toes. Continue the 10 count tighten and then relax each muscle until you have relaxed your whole body.

*You own personal time-out. You may want to take a nice hot shower or bath as your personal time-out. Let the water and heat do the relaxing while you work on your thinking pattern, self-talk, and calm your thoughts.

Physical activity will help us to lower our stress level and reduce the feelings of anger. During the physical activity, what we tell our selves is an important part of reducing the anger. This is our “self-talk”. Notice what you tell yourself during times when your anger is escalating. You may need to do a “reality check” with yourself to keep your self-talk positive and real.

Step FIVE to Anger Management Health

Self-Talk for decreasing anger

Make a list of positive self-talk statements;

Example;

I don’t need to be right.

I don’t need to pretend I am not angry.

I can express myself and my emotions and still be loved.

I cannot control anything in the world EXCEPT myself.

Tomorrow this will not seem so troubling.

I have the right to be wrong.

I have the right to make mistakes.

I am feeling angry-this means something is happening I don’t like.

Time for a time-out??

You get the picture. If your self-talk increases your anger it is not working for you. Pay attention to your self-talk, change the nature of the statements you tell yourself. Some of the time self-talk is not based on reality. We magnify the negatives about the situation and turn them into a catastrophe…our self-talk makes things worse.

Some of our self-statements trigger us to continue our anger escalation…..self-talk like this- “that is it” may mean I am done and won’t try anymore. Notice your immediate self-talk statements that may interfere with your ability to stay open minded and resolve the problem. Self-statements and self-talk can sabotage your success in creating a healthy happy relationship for you.

Remember the following thinking patterns. These thinking patterns

probably will not serve you well.

*Labeling and calling names (even in your head)

*Mind-reading…you are probably not a mind reader, so don’t assume you know what your partner is thinking

*Magnification-sometimes we magnify the situation in our thinking and this makes it harder to communicate and find resolution.

*Stay away from the “should,” “ought,” “must”, never,” and “always” words.

Remember the positive self-talk list at the beginning of this section. Make your own and keep it handy.

Step SIX to Anger Management Health

Good Anger

Anger is not wrong. It is our indictor something is not right in our world. We can use our anger to make changes in our world.  Sometimes our anger is justified. Direct your anger towards the right place. Don’t kick the dog when your day went poorly. Don’t yell at your partner because your boss was in a bad mood. When you express your anger directly at the problem…then you can make changes, especially for yourself. Communicate assertively, see Chapter One, and make eye contact. Keep your voice level and be clear with your statements. You may want to practice expressing yourself assertively if this is a new behavior. Say the words out loud. See how they feel to you. Would these words said to YOU, in this tone, fell attacking? Keep trying words and tones on until your statements sound and feel the way YOU would be able to hear them.

Step SEVEN to Anger Management Health

Triggers to your anger

Another LIST….this one will help you avoid the events and situations that cause anger in you. Does coming home to a mess just get you going? Does traffic make you hot? That is what I am talking about. Make a list of the things that “bug” you. Then try to avoid these or make a self-talk list to be more positive for these times.

Example of self-talk to keep you calm;

Traffic – if you cannot avoid, then think of the time as your time to listen to your fav music.

House a mess – you may need to make a house rule….NO ONE bothers you for the first ½ you are home…time for you to get centered and relax a little.

You get the picture.

Use your trigger situations to take care of yourself. You and your partner are now communicating assertively and you are now being proactive about your  needs….right?

Okay – good luck with all this. Again it takes a lot of energy to change. Remember how old you are is how many years you have been expressing your anger in the old way. Learning new behaviors is hard word….but well worth it. So, hang in there and keep up the good work.

Congratulations for embarking on a Calmer and more Healthy you. Change does not happen immediately or even over night. Keep progressing. Hang in there and help the changes happen. This is for you and the partner you choose to be with.

This is the end of Chapter Three, Anger Expression and Management in the Complete Marriage Counseling Program for Relationship Healing and Enhancement.

Chapter FOUR - Domestic Violence

This chapter discusses violence within a partnership or relationship. Violence can be physical, emotional, or verbal. Sometimes when we grow up in an abusive atmosphere, behaviors that are abusive seem  “normal” or usual to us. Reasons people stay in an abusive relationship can be varied and numerous.

Domestic violence has a cycle. It has stages of expression and development. At first, the stages or events may only seem uncomfortable or hurtful. Domestic violence has a pattern of escalation over time. The stages become increasingly violent and hurtful.

Domestic Violence Stages of Development:

 Stage One-

The first stage is tension building. The  “battered” partner, the victim, feels as though he or she is walking on eggshells. This stage may be a time of denial. Partners may not want to believe they are in an abusive relationship. The batterer is given the benefit of the doubt. While the abused partner is in love and wants the relationship to work.

Stage Two-

This is the violent stage. There is an angry outburst or explosion. Things may be thrown, doors slammed, names called, fingers pointed in the victim’s face, etc. The feeling of  “danger” may be very evident to the battered partner.

Stage Three-

This stage is called the “honeymoon phase.“ It is in this time that the  “I’m so sorry” occurs. Both partners may explain and excuse the violence. Both the batterer and the battered may be in denial. The battered partner blames his or her self. He or She may make excuses for the batterer. I must have had dinner late, or the laundry not done on time, or phoned a friend when they did not want me to phone….etc. In this stage the couple tries to make the relationship work. The battered person tells his or her self they understand the batterer and things will now be better. The violent person declares a newly found determination to make changes. The battered partner “forgives” the batterer. As time goes on and the domestic violence continues to occur this honeymoon phase is replaced with a time where there is an absence of violence. That does not mean it is still the honeymoon phase, just an absence of violence. Then the cycle begins again.

The end results are determined by the partners. The battered partner may have had enough or find the strength to change the situation bydoing some of the following:

*The battered person may change his or her thinking pattern from “I must try to do everything perfect so I don’t make my partner angry,” to “I don’t deserve this treatment. I am leaving or calling the police for help.”

*The batterer may seek help after recognizing the harmful repercussions of his or her violent behavior. This does not often happen without “help” being forced upon the batterer.

* A battered partner decides to leave. However, one must remember that although the battered partner may have the ability to construct a plan to leave, the battered person does not necessarily execute the plan because he or she if fearful of the consequences of leaving. Therefore, the battered partner may ultimately stay in the relationship due to his or her fear.

If the battered partner does not leave and a change is not made within the relationship, then depression can occur and render the battered person unable to help themselves out of the abusive situation.

Here are some behaviors that may indicate your partner has the potential to become a violent partner:

 *He/she always asks for a second chance after a blow up orabusive incident.

*He/she will feels he or she cannot control his or her anger.

*He/she gives you a guilt trip and states his or her violence  is really your fault for making them angry.

*He/she is verbally abusive and belittles you.

*He/she believes his or her way is the only way. He/She lacks the ability to compromise.

*He/she has a tendency to be jealous.

*He/she blames others for his or her behavior, or anger.

*He/she blames occurrences for his or her behavior- if it had not rained.

*He/she has unpredictable behavior.

*He/she repeatedly promises to change.

*He/she uses alcohol and drugs, and his or her abusive behavior worsens after use.

 Behaviors indicative of physical abuse:

*Being hit, punched, slapped, or bit.

*Being pushed or shoved.

*Being threatened with physical violence or a weapon (hands can be weapons, too).

*Objects being thrown.

*Refusal to give assistance if you are sick or hurt.

*Forcing you off the road if you are driving.

*Having sex with you when you have stated “NO” either verbally or physically.    

*Keeping you from leaving an area.

*Abandoning you in a place that is not safe.

*Throwing food on the floor or in the sink.

*Yelling in your face.

*Pointing a finger in your face.

Emotional and verbal abuse is also a part of domestic violence.

Remember, domestic violence has a cycle. Usually the cycles become increasingly violent as time passes. The “explosion stage” becomes more violent with each episode. At first, the cycles will include a tension building time, an explosion of some kind, and then a  “honeymoon phase.“

During the tension phase .the battered person feels as though he or she is walking on eggshells. Usually the battered person cannot be perfect enough to prevent an explosion. The batterer will find a reason to explode. One person cannot MAKE another person mad. He or she does not have that power. So, if you have a tendency to be violent, don’t give anyone that power. Only the person being angry can allow his or her anger to take control. Don’t give another person control of your behavior. Your behavior should be under your control only.

The honeymoon phase is a time when the batterer says they are sorry, promises to change, and promises to never act that way again. The partners declare his/her love. The batterer voices remorse and attempts to win back approval. Eventually, as the cycles progresses, the batterer will stop any apology and will stop asking for forgiveness. The battered person is usually sucked into taking care of the offender and feels justified when he or she forgives the offender. The battered person wants to believe that every occurance will be the last time.

The cycle continues and escalates to the point where NO honeymoon phase exists and only absences of violence exist.

Children as Secondary Domestic Violence Victims

 Victims of domestic violence must consider the reality that children in the household are affected by the violence. The cycle is usually predictable. As the cycle becomes more frequent and more violent, the victim is at risk of severe injury or even death.

Even if children are not battered or the violence does not directly involve them, they are affected by the violence in his/her home. Children will experience feelings of powerlessness and depression. As a result, they may feel humiliated and embarrassed.  Some children may even become suicidal.

Due to a violent environment, children may become violent themselves, pick fights at school, and adopt an aggressive demeanor. They are at a higher risk to start drug or alcohol use. They may begin to use violence as a means of expressing frustration and stress. They will be set up to accept violence in his/her relationships. As a parent you are modeling how to behave in a relationship, how to express anger, and how to respect yourself and others-or not.

Potential clues that children are struggling with emotional problems due to domestic violence could be: becoming physically or sexually abusive, adopting self-abusive behaviors, frequently being sick, having poor school attendance and performance, bed-wetting, frequent headaches, and stomach-aches.

As a couple, if you cannot stop the abuse for yourselves, please consider the children involved, take steps to stop the violence, and seek healing help for your children.

Why does the battered spouse stay?

We learn how to handle anger, be with a partner, express our

Frustration, and ultimately function in a relationship in our family of origin. In chapter five family of origin issues are explained and explored. Sometimes we pick partners to continue the abuse and issues present in our family of origin. We don’t do this consciously. We are simply accustomed to a particular type of family dynamic or way of coexisting. We usually choose a partner with the same patterns of behavior.  This explains why some people continue to pick the same kind of partner again and again.

In the book Unfinished Business,  Maggie Scarf explains how our family of origin issues affect our current relationships. If we have not closed or healed from family abuse, we will continue to seek a way to work through it with a partner. For instance, from a child’s perspective, father was abusive, and we cannot be mad at father because he will go away, and we will die. We then look for abusive mate to be MAD at. We don’t consciously look for that type of partner, but our subconscious helps us decide. If they don’t become abusive, then we instigate until he or she does become abusive or leaves.

It all sounds ridiculous, but this can be a real pattern for people who have experienced abuse in his/her family of origin. We seek partners who have the same family dynamic as we have.

We are more comfortable with familiar behaviors. Even when we know the situation is detrimental to our well-being, facing the new and the unknown may be more frightening than staying in the relationship. We know what to expect in our current relationship, even if it is abusive and harmful. People who stay in an abusive relationship may have learned a sense of helplessness in his/her family of origin. People who grow up with parents hitting learn it is acceptable to hit. Men hitting women and  women hitting men becomes the adopted mindset.

Having someone assist with the first steps in recovery or escape is a crucial aid when we want to leave an unfavorable situation. WEAVE, Women (and men) Escaping a Violent Environment, has trained staff to help you with those first steps.

People who stay in an abusive relationship may have learned a sense of helplessness in his/her family of origin. Give WEAVE  a call, they have multiply site and it is likely there is one near you. Call and become educated about available resources.

Fear keeps some partners in a bad relationship. These fears include: being perceived as a failure, having financial problems,  loss of social status, the batterer finding and killing him or her, loss his or her children or home the batterer will hurt his or her family or children, not having the ability to be successful without the abusive partner.

 If the abused partner is female, old messages may have a part of keeping her in the abuse. Messages include: good wives don’t make trouble, good wives do what they are told, boys will be boys, the man is the boss and lord of the home, etc.

Partners may also stay in a relationship because he/she has low self esteem and feels him/her feels lucky anyone live with him/her. He/she may find a reasons to justify staying in the relationship. Perhaps his/her partner provides financial support, so he/she needs to stay in order to compensate for the support.

Religion may also influence the couple to stay in the relationship. Divorce may not be considered moral in certain religions, so the battered partner stays in an abusive relationship as he/she is caught between pain and loyalty to church. If the partner’s parents are divorced, and this partner vowed to never put his/her children through divorce.

Partners who had abusive parents in the relationship because he/she does not realize the damage inflicted upon the children. Abused partners may have a distorted thinking pattern which leaded the abused partner to believe staying in the relationship is for the “good” of the children. “ The abused partner may also rationalize his/her choice to stay in the relationship by refusing to acknowledge the damaging effects on the child. He/she sees the existence of mother and father in a household as more important.

One final reason for staying in the relationship may be because the battered partner may have been abused violently enough to respond like a captive of war. Domestic violence is realistically a war. The victim may bond with the abuser and adopt a hostage mentality.

Common responses to life-threatening behaviors include reduced ability to think for one‘s self and feelings of powerlessness, helplessness, or hopelessness. Deep depression may set in and prevent the partner from having emotional and physical resources to leave.

Healing from domestic violence can take time because old issues from family of origin must be addressed as well. The batterer has similar issues. He/she learned this behavior somewhere. If the batterer also wants the violence to stop, some definite and positive changes must be addressed immediately. Anger management help and counseling are a necessity.

Only promises of change continue the same old pattern. Use chapter one-communication tools and begin to talk this over. Changes in the batterer’s thinking must start immediately. The batterer must chose to respect his/her partner, honor boundaries and personal rights, and begin to listen with empathy. Shame and blame are difficult emotions to eradicate. Get someone to help. 

The anger management tools (chapter three)  in this book will help. If the violence is extreme and long-term, professional help such as one-on-one counseling may be absolutely necessary. Perhaps introducing the idea of time-out more. Time-out rules must be strictly honored.

Time-out Rules

When our anger raises to a certain point it interferes with our ability to communicate and think calmly, taking a time-out is a responsible action to take.

“Time-out” does not mean walking out the door and slamming it behind you, leaving your partner wondering where you are going and if you are coming back.

Here are the rules for a healthy productive time-out session:

*Partner A feels a need for a time-out to cool down or collect his/her thoughts. Partner a says, “I am beginning to feel I want a time-out.”

*Partner B takes a deep breath and ceases the communication for the moment.

*An appointment to resume the discussion is negotiated. They return to try again in one or two hours. This may vary depending on however long it takes to cool down. The two partners agree what is good timing for them.

*Both partners separate to different parts of the house or one partner goes for a walk or drive.

*Both partners do something positive and constructive. They explore his/her part of the dance and watch his/her self-talk around the situation. They avoid thoughts such as he/she is such a jerk or he/she NEVER listens,. They do not drink or take drugs during this time.

*At the appointed time, both partners return to try again. If one partner says, “I don’t want to talk about this now.” then DON’T.

*Respect for the other partner is essential. If you become angry because your partner does not want to talk, then take another time-out.

  Time-outs help to establish trust between the partners. You will learn to trust each other to honor wishes and needs. You will learn to communicate ways to honor differences. You will learn to trust the other to return and try again. You will learn to trust your partner to honor your wishes for space, and you will learn to honor his/hers.

Practice time-out even when you don’t need one.

Remember this is a dance you both perform. The batterer is hurting his/her partner and the partner is allowing his/her partner to batter by staying in the relationship. Remember not to place blame. Either partner can start the change. The batterer can find other ways to be angry, express frustration, treat another person with respect, etc. The batterer can respect another’s right to call for help or leave.

 The battered partner can stop accepting any violent behaviors in his/her presence or call 911 whenever he/she feels threatened or scared.

If you want to save this relationship, both partners need to make a plan to stop all abuse. The batter must agree to leave if angry or stressed. The victim must agree to allow the partner to leave if he/she feels the need. Agree on a time and a place to meet after you leave, so the one staying does not feel abandoned and knows recovery is still on track.

Accountability is the most important part of recovery. You just be accountable for your part in the dance of violence. BE CLEAR the battered person/victim is NOT responsible for the anger explosion or   the battering only for staying. The batterer must be held accountable for all the abuse, voice responsibility for violent actions, make changes in his/her behaviors, and be diligently make those behavior changes.

 Both partners must work together so that patterns do not return. Remember, change does not become permanent if it is not practiced.    

Dysfunctional family history can lay the groundwork for an abusive relationship and domestic violence. However, you are now an adult who has choices. If you choose to continue exhibiting abusive behaviors or allowing abusive behaviors, you are choosing to continue the dysfunctional family patterns. You are also passing those patterns to your children. You have control over your own happiness. Behaviors are learned and can be UNLEARNED or RE-LEARNED. Give yourself a chance for happiness and give your children, present or future children, the chance of being happy with his/her relationship.

Resources:

More: In closing I would like to remind the readers, that women are not the only battered spouses. Men can also  be battered. Men are not the only ones who get violent. Battered spouses can be male or female.

*Profile of California Women, Violence, 1993  California

*Commission on the Status of Women.

*WEAVE local locations will be listed in your phone book or call the operator. Other shelters exist. There are more than 100 in California alone. These shelters, including WEAVE, provide crises intervention,

counseling, shelter, emergency food, clothing, and legal assistance for spouse and children.

*Call the Office of Criminal Justice Planning  at 916-324-0120

*Violence: the Facts, A Handbook to STOP Violence,

1994  Battered Women Fighting Back and the Los Angeles

     County Commission for Women.

 WEAVE is for people, not just women. If you are in an abusive relationship, take steps for changing  that relationship or make plans for an escape.

 Plan:

1. Your own bank account, credit card, or money readily available.

2. Car keys in an accessible place to leave in an instant.

3. A bag packed to take with you. Leave this in a place you can access if leaving.

Abuse and Violence are not part of a healthy relationship. N0 0ne deserves abuse. Call 911, call Weave (not just for women), and call a local counselor.

 If there is a long history of violence, and the police have been called, Victim of Crime Funds may be available to pay for counseling for the battered spouse and the children.

    Congratulations. Just reading through this could have been traumatic. Addressing continuous family patterns are continued in your relationship can be extremely hard to hear. Take charge of your life. Accept the help available. Talk to your partner. KNOW you are valued and deserve love and caring treatment. Keep these tools handy, use them constantly, and don’t lock them in the tool box to be forgotten.

Value Yourself

Thanks, E.Vaughn

Family of Origin Issues: What is in your basket?

This chapter explores our family of origin and the “stuff” we learned while living with that family. We will examine the way our family taught us patterns of being with someone. We will explore how the dynamics of the family in which we grew up and how those dynamics affect our current relationships as an adult.

I know, I can just hear you say, “Excuse me!! I am nothing like my family!” That may be mostly true. Living with your family taught you behaviors and ways of expressing or not expressing in a way that may not have been so obvious. You may have said, “I am not going to be that way or do that.” However, unless we give ourselves an alternative behavior, we will revert to what we know and what is familiar when we are stressed or at our wits’ end.

Your “Stuff”

 I would like to start this level with an exercise. Think of each person in your life.  Well, in the whole world, each person has his or her very own basket in front of him or her. Each basket contains this person’s “stuff,’ or personal issues. Couples have a relationship basket and/or family basket also. So here is how it works.

Mom calls and says, “You never call me. You don’t love me. I am the only mother you have…..yada yada yada.” She makes these remarks because she feels alone, selfish, and/or angry…we are not sure. However, this is stuff in her basket. She is throwing her stuff in your basket. If you are quick, your lid goes SLAM and it bounces back into her basket where it belongs!

You are not responsible for taking care of others’ feelings and/or their “stuff.” This pertains to couples, too. Your job is to take care of your issues. You may choose to take care of others’ stuff, or even them at times, but this is still not your job. Maybe your partner is a neat freak, and you are more comfortable with the “lived-in” look. Relationship baskets can become more complicated. You love your partner, you love being with your partner, and it is really nice when he/she is happy… so maybe you give the neat thing a try. But it is really in your partner’s basket. You can add it to yours if you wish, and it is definitely in the couple’s basket. I will explain that later.

Your basket contains your issues, things you care about, patterns of behaviors, personality preferences, learned behaviors, family of origin patterns, etc. If you have codependent tendencies, then you may put others’ issues in your basket. If you are co-dependent, then your “good feelings” come from taking care of others. You routinely take care of others instead of taking care of your needs. That is the co-dependent tendency, and it is not a healthy dynamic for you or others.

Relationship baskets will contain the issues that are in your relationship.  For example, the neat freak/lived-in issue will be in the couple’s basket. This issue will be there to discuss together, and hopefully a happy outcome will result for you.

Parenting issues will also be in a couple’s basket. Your parenting issues from your family of origin are in your basket. Your partner’s issues are in his/her basket. Mom or Dad’s need to control your life and tell you how to raise your kids…those issues are where? In their basket! So, when they call to tell you their opinion of your parenting, you say, “I know you feel that way.” This type of response puts their “stuff” right back into their basket. This kind of comment is called reflective listening. You can learn more about that in Chapter One on Communication.

Your Family of Origin

We learn to be together in our family of origin, or the family in which we were raised. The way anger was expressed, the way pain was shown, and the way stress was handled were taught in your family of origin. Communication patterns, respect (or disrespect) of others and their rights, and honoring (or not honoring) personal boundaries were also taught in your family of origin without actually talking about them.

We learn about anger and communication in-vitro before we are born. We are aware of the outer world while we are forming inside of our mothers. What happened to our mother while we were still in her uterus can have a profound effect on us. For instance, if a mother encounters a life-threatening event while she is pregnant, then the child may develop Reactive Attachment Disorder after birth. A theory suggests that if the mother has endures a life-threatening event during pregnancy, then the child may be predisposed to homosexuality. Therefore, we become ourselves in an extremely complicated environment. Parents’ genetics, family patterns, school, and peers influence the outcome of who we become. The world at large and our personality and emotional resources make us the “who” that we are today.

Our basket contains all of this. The contents in our basket are not permanent. We possess the ability to change the “stuff” in our basket.

We are in charge of taking care of the issues in our basket. If we experienced abuse in our family of origin or in our growing up world, we can still change how we function with the help of counseling and information. We can change our view of parenting by taking classes and reading about successful parenting techniques.

Unfortunately, there isn’t a specific class for relationships. No one can teach us how to be together in a “right and functional” manner. We cannot explain how to “do” relationships well if we have not learned that in our family of origin. Where do we learn to be a partner or lover? Television presents all kinds of relationships to consider. We see all kinds of examples from “The Simpsons” to “Leave it to Beaver.”  We get to choose a style and try it on. We may spend our entire lives trying on different styles of relationships. It would be nice to have our own “personal relationship stylist” to help us with what fits for us.

Your Little Voice

In this section, I will assume your family of origin was not “functional.” I will assume some abuse occurred. So, if that was not the case for you, please absorb what you need or want and move to the next section. You may also read this with your partner or friend in mind.

Please, do not take the statements in this section as a criticism of YOU.  I will give you alternatives to these behaviors.

Remember, you can choose to change the dynamics you learned. I should let you know that I have been there, done that. Sometimes counselors appear pure and perfect. I am here to tell you counselors are counselors for a reason, and that reason is NOT that they had “Leave it to Beaver” homes while growing up.

So, hang in here with me, okay? I also need to tell you, I know it is easy to sit in my counselor chair and give you information about making your life wonderful. I know it is not as easy as it sounds, but I also know it is worth the effort to give it a chance.

At the end of this chapter, there will be a list of abuse: emotional, physical, and sexual. Sometimes when we grow up with abuse, we think it is “normal” or usual. We believe all families behave like this. So, it is important to know constitutes abuse. If we educate ourselves about abusive behaviors, then we can eliminate that behavior and treatment in our relationship and current family.

Abusive families often have a need to look good. As a result, the children will be taught things such as “what happens in the family stays in the family.” There are numerous books about dysfunctional family patterns. Find one that fits for your family patterns and get information about dysfunctional patterns and healthy alternatives.

I like to recommend Maggie Scarf’s book, Unfinished Business. This book addresses our pattern of bringing our unfinished business from our family of origin into our relationships. She explores how we will pick a suiting partner to continue working on unresolved issues from our family. Remember, we don’t do this consciously. We don’t look around the singles world and say to our self, “He/She would be abusive, emotionally unavailable, or dysfunctional.” We are, however, more comfortable with a partner who has the same dynamics as ourselves. We may instinctively pick someone who has similar behaviors and functions.

Molest victims often continue the abuse with self-abusive behaviors such as: eating disorders, an abusive partner, or drug or alcohol abuse. Sometimes molest victims identify with the offender and believe that is the way to treat a loved one. These victims may then become offenders. Molest, unless the offender is a fixated pedophile, is not usually about sex. Instead, molest is usually about power, control, revenge, or those type of issues.

There is a specific family dynamics associated with molest. There is a theory that there are four dynamics in every family where molest occurs. These dynamics can be in other families without molestation. The theory suggests that when molest happens, these dynamics are always present in the family.

If your partner was molested, don’t take the attitude, “OH my partner is damaged and the reason for our dysfunction!” The molest victim adult will most likely choose a partner with the same four dysfunctions. See?

Relationships are so complicated. You may have the four dynamics and not be molested, but being together as a family with these dynamics present puts the children at risk to be molested. “At risk” means they are easier prey for a pedophile.

Here is the picture. The dynamics of your family of origin, functional or not, is where you are comfortable. The way your family was together is comfortable for you because it is familiar. You may not like it, but it is familiar and inherently more comfortable than the unknown, and perhaps scary, world out there.

Perhaps you grow up telling yourself, “I will not treat my kids this way.” However, if you do not give yourself an alternative behavior, then when the stress is high, you will revert back to what you know and what is familiar. The key is to learn other parenting behaviors that are healthy to substitute the undesirable behaviors you wish to irradiate from your childhood.

You choose someone with the same family dynamics. Of course you don’t go out looking for someone to beat you, or for someone to beat. You don’t consciously search for a person with molest family dynamics to complete the pattern. You don’t consciously look for someone who does not respect personal boundaries. Your subconscious helps you with this. This is where you must change your dynamic and heal from abuse BEFORE you choose a relationship. If that has not happened, then NOW is a good time. If you are with someone now who has the old dynamics, then don’t despair. They can also choose to change and become healthier.

Also remember every family balances itself. It is called a family equilibrium. This occurs when each person in the family takes his/her “role” and fulfills his/her part to keep the family in balance. If the parents are alcoholics, then it may the oldest child’s “part” to be the parent. The members take a piece of the family “personality pie.” One child may be the hero who does well in school and makes a successful life. This child may want to be an artist and live day to day, but to keep the family balanced, he/she does his/her job. Children are sometimes designated the role of the “black sheep.” He/she acts out for the family. One member may be a “lost child,” keeping the anger or hurt for the family. The roles are detrimental to the members. The children are not free to be themselves and fulfill what they want for their life.

One day a child (now an adult usually) will decide to change what who he/she “is” for the family. He/she becomes and individual and stops playing his/her role. The family is now out of balance, and the other members are stressed because someone is not doing his/her “job” for the family. The other members may escalate their behaviors to force the changing member back to old behaviors.

If one member changes, then the family is out of balance, and the remaining members must change also. If you are the member changing, know that the others will not want you to progress. They may not be ready to change, and your truthfulness to yourself is highly uncomfortable for them. If you change, then they must be confronted with change and the reality that you were holding a place in the family that was designated to you. Maybe they don’t like their “job,” and they are not faced with the fact they could change, too.

You are changing. They may panic about the need to change. If the time is not right for them, then they will try to get you to go back to the old ways in order to keep the equilibrium. Stay strong, get validation with a professional, and listen to your little voice.

Four Molest Dynamics

Remember: these dynamics can be in families where molest does not happen. These dynamics in a family put the children at risk for molest. If you change these dynamics, then you will lower the risk of your children being molested. This is a theory by Leona Tockey.

1. Inappropriate boundaries:

This means personal space and body is not respected. People are touched without permission. Things are “borrowed” without asking. Rooms are entered, and diaries are read without permission. Bathroom doors are opened without respecting privacy.

2. Secrets:

Communication is not open. Children are afraid to share things with their parents. In one of my counseling groups, a child told us her mother bought under slips for her to wear under her clothing. She said “I never wear them, but I put them in the laundry, so she thinks I wear them.” When asked if she could tell her mother that she does not want the slips, she responded, “Oh, I could never do that. It would kill her.”If she can’t tell Mom she doesn’t wear her slips, then how can she tell Mom someone is touching her in a way that is inappropriate or feels “yucky?”

3. Marital Dysfunction:

This means the couple acting as parents is not “together” emotionally. They are not a couple. They are perhaps only going through the motions of being a couple. Perhaps they are staying together for the children. They at best are not effective communicators.  Perhaps there is just silence. The couple may be openly unhappy or even violent.

4. Sexual Dysfunction:

This sexual dysfunction can either be with the offender or with the victim. The victim may have had too much sexual information for his/her age, so he/she now has an issue.  For example, this may be a result of being exposed to pornography. At the other end of the spectrum, he/she may not have had enough age-appropriate sexual information. Children must know the specific body parts, such as vagina and penis. Then, if someone touches him/her inappropriately, then he/she can specify where. The “bottom” may not be specific enough. Children will usually absorb the sexual information they need. A book regarding “where did I come from” can be left where a child can read at will. Honestly answer any questions the child asks.

 What is good about knowing these dynamics?

You can change the dynamics in your family, and your children will not be at risk for molest. Pedophiles in prison have stated they can drive up to a schoolyard and know within minutes which child will go with them. They can tell by the child’s “dynamics” or how the child acts.

Your little inner voice tells you how you are feeling about the world around you. Your little voice and your emotions will help you know what is good for you and what is not. Always listen to your little voice and educate your little voice to know what is best for you and what is functional. Pay attention and practice noticing your emotions. They are your barometer to what is going on in your world.

Relationship Baskets

You are now gaining a better understanding about how complicated the relationship basket will be. Your issues and your partner’s issues are in the relationship basket, and they compose the foundation for your relationship. Both of you will need to talk about what is junk and what is treasure. Throw out the junk and keep the treasure. This is your relationship and your life. You do not have to do anything like your parents.  You have the option to choose the behaviors you want to continue, or you can do everything like your parents. This is YOUR choice.

Remember the response for Mom/Dad or Aunt June when they tell you your life is s---: “I know you think that!”

Here are some more “back in your basket” statements you can make when others attempt to put their stuff in your basket. These statements may be needed for your relationship basket, also. The following examples are great for keeping our personal “stuff” in our personal basket:

“I know that is what you believe.”

“That is right for you.”

“Thank you for caring (sharing).”

“Thank you for your opinion.”

“I understand you feel that way.”

If it feels like a statement has hit you in the heart, then you have allowed it into your basket. Think of an imaginary lid (for your imaginary basket). This lid could snap onto your basket in an instant and keep things out of your basket that do not belong in there. As time goes on, you will get better at filtering the contents of your basket so only your stuff is in your basket.

So, use the communication tool in chapter one to talk about what you both want in your relationship basket. Talk about the individual issues you will be willing to or need to work on together.

 Abuse List

Abuse is including but not limited to the following…

Physical abuse is anything done to your body without your permission.  There are no exceptions. This is any touch or invasion of your physical body without your permission. This can range from a slap on the face to a pat on the back. Other forms of physical abuse include the following: kicking, hair pulling, throwing objects at you, pinching, tickling after you have asked the person to stop, forcing you to eat anything rotten or usually deemed inedible, tying you up without your permission, leaving you stranded without resources to return home, hitting, punching, slapping, shoving, spanking that causes marks, scratching, biting, not allowing you to urinate or defecate, holding your head under water, not allowing you to leave a space, locking you in a small space, using denial of food as punishment, using hot or cold water to cause pain in any way, hurting or killing your pets, medicating you when you are not ill, using drugs to control your behavior, causing you pain in any way that is not necessary for your health, and making you stand for unreasonable periods of time.

Sexual abuse is any non-consensual sexual touch. Sexual abuse disrespects your boundaries, and it can be physical or emotional. Sexual abuse can scan the range from rape to sexual comments that are deemed inappropriate. To clarify, there is adult sexual abuse and child sexual abuse.

Adult sexual abuse. Adult sexual abuse includes the following: sex with you when you have said NO either verbally or physically, nudity when you have expressed you do not wanting it, any touching of sexual parts without your permission, Explicit talking about sex without your permission, pressuring you or making you perform a sexual act you do not want to perform. Kissing, touching, or holding you in a sexual way against your will or without your permission, intercourse without your permission (even if force was not used), touching, licking, biting, for fondling your sexual parts without your permission, forcing you to engage in mutual masturbation, forcing you to be nude with others, telling you about explicit sexual behaviors when you do not want to be told, showing you pornographic pictures or movies when you do not want to see them, laying nude or being provocative even if you do not want this behavior, and engaging in sexual activities without your permission.

 Child sexual abuse. Child sexual abuse includes: kissing, touching, or holding you in a sexual way, intercourse, touching, licking, biting, for fondling your sexual parts, making you engage in forced mutual masturbation, forcing you to be nude with others, telling you about explicit sexual experiences, showing you pornographic pictures or movies, laying nude or being provocative, flirting with you, giving you enemas or douches for no medical reason, forcing you to watch or participate in adult bathing, toilet activities, nudity, or sexual activities, making you share a bed with your parents when other beds are available, making you touch adult sexual parts, watching you shower nude or watching you dressing in a way that feels uncomfortable and not in a “parenting” manner.

Emotional abuse is the violation of your emotional boundaries.

Emotional abuse includes: destructive sarcasm or criticism, the silent treatment, neglect, violent language, belittling, and name-calling. When you are denied your own reality or you are discounted, then you are experiencing emotional abuse.

Other types of emotional include the following: name-calling, lack of communicating for long periods of time, labeling (i.e. you are stupid, mental, nuts, etc.), some threatening gestures, punishing you unfairly, making you the object of jokes, belittling you, rejecting you, putting you down and keeping your self-esteem from growing positively, making you feel hopeless, helpless, or worthless, routinely comparing you to others, preventing you from attending school, isolating you from others, routinely preferring other siblings, making you steal or commit any other crime, making you perform degrading tasks, punishing you in public, raising you as the opposite sex, and making you eat food from the floor.

 Verbal abuse is using a loud voice in order to yell, name-call, threaten, belittle, and scream obscenities at you.

List of neglect abusive behaviors include: failing to provide physical nurturing such as holding, talking, or comforting when you are feeling hurt, failing to provide proper nutrition, failing to provide proper clothes for the weather, failing to wash your clothes or bedding, ignoring you or not responding to you when you speak, leaving you alone for days or weeks without care, failing to provide a home that is clean, safe, and in all ways habitable, keeping you in your room or your home for hours, days, or weeks, failing to provide medical, dental, or mental health care as needed, and leaving you with a caregiver who is irresponsible.

Now that you are aware of the sundry forms of abusive behavior, it is up to you to address those issues if they are present.  You don’t have to address them alone.  You can always seek professional help.

Congratulations! You may be the one to stop generations of dysfunction.

What a hero you are! Being a hero will not be easy. It may be hard work and discouraging at times, but you now have the tools to keep building your own functional patterns and behaviors. It is worth it. The next generation will thank you. Maybe they will not thank you with words, but the healthy relationships they will establish will be a real thank you to you and to society.

This is the end of Chapter Five in the Marriage Counseling Program for Relationship Healing and Enhancement. Remember, change happens with involved effort. A change in the one part of the system affects the whole system.

Suggested Reading

• Unfinished Business by Maggie Scarf
• Intimate Partners: Patterns of Love and Marriage by MaggieScarf

• How to Listen so your Kids will Talk and How to Talk so your Kids will Listen by Adel Faber and Elaine Mazlish
• 101 Romantic Nights of Grreat Romance: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples by Laura Corn
• Tantra Secrets for Men by Kerry Riley with Diane Riley
• Nonviolent Communication-A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg Ph.D.
• Tantra The Art of Conscious Loving by Charles and CarolineMuir

• Hot Monogamy, Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate,Lovemaking by Patricia Love, MD and Jo Robinson

  Suggested Websites:

Go to www.marriagecounseling4u.com and click on “links” to find recommendations for books, Tantra, teaching videos, and more!

Chapter 6 – CO-Dependency: The Relationship Stumbling Block

This chapter addresses co-dependency patterns and behaviors. Just because we sometimes exhibit co-dependent behaviors does not necessarily mean we ARE codependent. You may be asking yourself some questions: what does it mean to be co-dependent? And are you or your partner co-dependent?

You are behaving in a “co-dependent” manner when you routinely take care of other’s needs before your own needs.  Co-dependent behavior does not include behaviors that include times when you care about others or sometimes “take care of others.” You are only co-dependent when you always or routinely put the needs of others before your own. In this process, a co-dependent partner only feels good about him/herself when they are linked to the “taking care of” behavior. You only feel good about YOU if you are doing something for someone else.  This type of behavior becomes dysfunctional because when we don’t take care of our own needs, we may eventually become angry about being left out, disappointed that no one takes care of us, or feel picked on, put down, or used.

Chapter seven teaches us that we are responsible for asking for our own needs. We are responsible for the control of our own world and, really, only our own world. There is also another side of co-dependent behavior: when we do for others what they can do for themselves, we remove the power for them to take care of their own needs. When this process involves children, children are given the message “I am not able to do this for myself.” They are taught they cannot, or do not have the power to do things for themselves.  Consequently, even though it may feel good to take care of others, it may not always be a healthy behavior for either you or the other person.

This chapter contains several checklists.  Most of the checklists are designed to help you do some introspective searching. We are searching to see if you have a pattern of ignoring your needs in order to take care of others. If you discover this is your behavior, and you want to change by developing a healthy pattern of relating with others, then this chapter will give you the necessary tools. Recovery from co-dependant behavior begins by recognizing this pattern of behavior in your personal dynamic.

It is important to analyze the patterns associated with co-dependent behavior. Is this behavior chosen to please others, or is it used to control and manipulate others? One other concept to consider is that someone with co-dependent patterns may have very low self-esteem.  In that case, they may need to work on self-worth before the co-dependent behaviors can be wholly changed.

HOMEWORK: Practice saying “No.”  Yes, that is right.  Say “No.”

If that is hard for you to do, then continue practicing this assignment until it becomes easier.  You need to say “No” to take care of your needs. 

Chapter five addresses your family of origin and the issues associated with it.  You will learn how you may have adopted a co-dependent pattern of behavior.  Your behaviors may have been a pattern in your life for many years or even all your life. Therefore, it is important to remember that change requires time.

Change is always met with resistance, even when we wish to change ourselves. We may resist. Old habits are comfortable and familiar whereas new habits or patterns of behavior may be intimidating. We may be fearful about the ability to make our life work in this new way. This is because the old patterns feel familiar and safe even when they are hurtful. The new pattern of behavior and response may scare you, but you should still give it a try.

Fear excites our body physiologically. We must consciously change the excited, scared feeling to “I am excited about making my patterns of behavior healthy for myself and others.”

Real change does not happen unless everyone becomes involved. Small changes have the ability to elicit big changes. A change in part of the pattern may affect the whole pattern.  Change may also go back to the old way if it is not stabilized with practice and time.

 

Co-dependant Patterns:

This is a list of “self-talk.” These messages that we send ourselves support co-dependent thinking and behaviors. These messages may sound like this:

Nothing I do or say is ever good enough.

Other people feeling good determines whether or not I feel good.

The way other people act makes me decide how to act.

Other peoples’ needs are more important than my needs.

I will ignore my needs to keep the peace.

Other peoples’ opinions are more important than mine.

Everything I do must be perfect, or it is all wrong.

In a relationship, I must be needed, not just wanted.

Asking for help is not normal.

Showing my feelings is scary.

I feel responsible for others’ feelings and behaviors.

My feelings are not clear, even to myself.

Other peoples’ response to me is very important.

What other people think of me is of utmost importance.

I worry about how other people will respond to my feelings.

 Your checklist:

If several of these patterns of behavior seem to apply to you, you

may have co-dependent behavior thinking.

I may be co-dependant in a relationship if …

…your opinion is more important than mine.

…the quality of my life is established my you.

…your friends are the members of my primary social circle.

…my future is determined by you.

…you tell me what I want, what to think, and what to decide.

…I feel better about myself only because you like me.

…your problems affect my well-being.

…all my energy is focused to please, protect, or help you.

…I am miserable because you do not like/love me.

…I am always aware of how you feel and seldom aware of how I feel.

…your quality of life is good, so my quality of life is good.

…all my attention is used to solve your problems and/or pain.

 Co-dependent Establishment….

Chapter five tells addresses your family of origin, or the family in which you grew up. The patterns in this family may have predisposed you to become co-dependent. This only means that the issues present in your family of origin may need to be addressed while you are choosing a different pattern of behavior.

Did you have an abusive family that denied there was any trouble or repressed the truth? Was your family dysfunctional or troubled? Do you come from a family that was neglectful or physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive?  These backgrounds may have influenced you to be co-dependent.

People with low self-esteem are more likely to develop co-dependent behaviors. An abusive family atmosphere does not nurture feelings of worth and strength in the members. As a result, an abusive family of origin will, most often, create children who have low self-esteem.

Sometimes children are taught they must do something to be loved or even simply be okay. Even our habit of saying “good girl/boy” when a child does something may teach him or her to believe they must do something to be loved. Feeling the need to do something in order to be okay or loved fosters a co-dependent pattern of behavior. This gives the child, and may have given you, a belief that to be “good,” we must do things for others.

 More Co-dependent Patterns:

Let’s explore behaviors that are co-dependent. At this point, you are probably getting an idea as to whether or not co-dependent patterns are eminent in your own life. Let’s make a final decision, and then we can look at recovery and change.  Ask yourself the following questions:

When you are criticized, do you become defensive and angry that your behavior was questioned?

Do you feel better about yourself when you are helping (and only when you are helping) others?

Do you settle for being needed when you really want to be truly loved?

If you are a “caretaker,” do you anticipate other’s needs?

Do you feel responsible for other’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being or their lack of the afore-mentioned topics?

Do you find it easy to change your plans for another person’s needs?

Do you often feel angry and used, even though you are choosing to ignore yourself?

Do you always say “yes” even when you want to say “no?”

Do you say “yes” even when it is not in your best interest?

Do you feel that you do more than your fair share?

 Denial

You are in denial if you tell yourself that your circumstance will improve later, if you get depressed or sick without understanding the reason why, if you over-eat, if you feel sometimes you are going crazy, or if you stay busy to keep from addressing the issues you need to address.

Do you find it hard to feel joy, to have fun, or to do something at the spur of the moment? Do you find it hard to enjoy sex? DO you have sex when you really don’t want to have sex? Do you make up reasons to avoid having sex? Do you have sex when you really just want to be held and loved? Do you look for happiness in others and not within yourself? Do you choose partners who are not available (physically or emotionally) to “love” you? Do you stay in a relationship long after it is clear it is not working? Do you think you are not loveable? Is your communication poor? Do you blame, threaten, or beg for your needs to be met? Do you ask for your needs and wants indirectly, thinking people will just know what your needs are because they love you enough? Do you think what you have to say is really unimportant? Do you avoid talking about yourself and your thoughts or dreams? Do you ignore your own thoughts without voicing them? Do you fail to voice your opinions for fear of being rejected or put down?

 Recovery/Change

Some patterns of behaviors such as “co-dependent” behaviors can be deep-seeded and difficult to change. They are tied into our feeling “good” about ourselves. So, to recover or change that behavior, you must give yourself a reality check. This reality check will tell us the truth about your beliefs, and it will help start feeling good about yourself.

Some of those old messages may have become “core beliefs.” A core belief is a notion we believe is true because we were taught this message, either directly or indirectly, as we grew up. It becomes our “belief” even though it may not be true. We may have been given a message growing up such as the following: “You will never be successful.” When we become adults and find ourselves on the verge of success, we may sabotage that success because our core belief is that we cannot be successful. However, we can change a core belief by acknowledging the belief to be false and consciously validating the absolute truth. We accomplish this goal by giving ourselves a reality check. If you were told how “stupid” you were while you were growing up, you may believe you are stupid. When you do something intelligent or get a good grade, you discount that event as a “fluke.” You notice all the unintelligent things you do (we all do these by the way), and this validates the belief you are stupid. You can change this train of thought and get in touch with reality, but it will take concentration and determination. You may want to seek professional assistance for this task.

With a reality check, we may find out we are worthy of love, our needs are important, and others do not dictate our happiness. We may find out we can be smart or successful. We may begin to say “NO” and take care of ourselves. It is important to take these steps of progress. If we don’t take care of ourselves, then we are unable to be there for anyone else.

 Don’t expect to be “perfect” right away. Practice making mistakes.Yes, you read it right. Practice making mistakes! Practice saying “NO.” Practice getting in touch with your own feelings. Make a list of your dreams. You may have trouble identifying your own dreams at first, but keep trying. Imagine getting up in the morning and having your world just the way you want it. What would that be? What would your world look like? How would it feel to have your world “your way?”

Talk to your partner and make a recovery plan for your relationship. Many behaviors and patterns of communication will change, so be prepared. It may be scary (or even exciting, too)! It may be rewarding and fulfilling. It will be different…YEAH! Hang in there. Get help from counseling or call the CODA (Co-dependents Anonymous) in your area. CODA is the 12-step program for co-dependent behaviors. The number 12 is significant because co-dependent patterns are often linked to partners of alcoholics.

There are several books about co-dependent behavior. Find one that works for you. Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie is a good place to start.

Let us talk a little about control. Chapter seven will explore the “control” concept in depth. Many times people are told they are “controlling.” However, the only thing you can surely control is yourself and what is in your personal world. You do not control your child, mother, father, partner, or anyone else for that matter. This may feel like an unreal concept, but think about it for a moment. If they do what you want, then they are ultimately deciding to do what you want.  You aren’t physically making them fulfill your agenda. You can make it uncomfortable for another to do anything besides what you what them to do, but they are ultimately in charge of the final decision to act or not.

 It is healthy when someone controls what happens in his/her life or in his/her personal world. If someone states, “Abuse does not happen in my life,” they are not “controlling” others, they are controlling his/her life. Others can choose to stay in that individual’s life and refrain from abusive behavior, or they can leave. Controlling your world is healthy. Remember: it is impossible to control another person. You can know his/her triggers and issues and influence his/her behaviors, but you do not control that person. Everyone will decide their personal behaviors.

 Relationship Addiction

Relationships can be addictive. The best situation for a relationship is when two people decide they want to be together, not that they need to be together. Relationship addiction is different than an intimate relationship.

 Warning signs that your relationship may be an addiction:

You were in love at first sight.  This may be a good start, but it needs to get rational and realistic after that.

There is a lack of communication, working through problems, or talking about choices.

There is an atmosphere of magic and mind reading. For example, you may think, “You love me so much that I don’t need to voice my needs.”

There is isolation from other people, and social life is a minimum.

There is a fear of abandonment.

Co-dependent patterns of behavior are evident.

 Addiction

An addiction to something (whether it is a substance, activity, behavior, or feeling) has a pattern or certain patterns. These patterns or attributes are: tolerance, obsession, compulsion, possession, and withdrawal.

Let’s explore the “addiction” concept as it relates to a relationship with another person. An addiction in a relationship is like any other addiction.

“Tolerance” - you need someone more and more.

“Obsession” –an immense amount of time and energy are spent thinking of the person, planning to be with that person, and/or communicating with him/her.

“Compulsion” – you can’t live without him/her.

“Possession” –You possess him/her, and you can only be with him/her.

“Withdrawal” – Without him/her, you are nothing.

If these patterns of feeling or thinking are present in your relationship, it may be an addiction. An addictive relationship is like any other addiction. It is not healthy, and it will eventually destroy itself or the participants involved. If this description fits for your relationship, think seriously about getting some advice to help or change the direction you are going.

 Alcoholism and Co-dependent Behavior Patterns

Sometimes the partner of an alcoholic is an “enabler.” This means that he/she enables the partner to continue alcohol abuse in a state of denial. The partner may call in sick to work for the alcoholic partner. The enabler will make excuses for the alcoholic partner’s behavior or absence.

If you have a partner that drinks too much, gets drunk, drinks all day, drinks early in the day, needs a drink to reduce stress, he/she may be an alcoholic.

 If any of the following is true for you, your partner may be an alcoholic, and you may be an enabler and/or co-dependent:

You have…

…poured out liquor or thrown away drugs to keep someone from using.

…been embarrassed by your partner’s behavior or alcohol use.

…been angry that your partner fails to contribute financially due to alcohol use.

…felt you are the cause of someone else drinking.

…waited up late for your partner to return from drinking.

…stayed home to make sure the alcoholic was safe.

…persistently asked the partner to stop drinking.

…covered up the fact you partner had a drinking problem or was unable to go to work because of alcohol use.

 Intimacy

Intimacy does not necessarily mean sexual intimacy. Intimacy also relates to emotional intimacy. A healthy relationship can have emotional intimacy even without sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy without emotional intimacy lacks the deep connection that is possible in the presence of emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is having the ability to be vulnerable with your partner. Emotional intimacy is trusting your partner with knowing your shortcomings and feeling you will still be loved. Emotional intimacy in a relationship supports free choice, long-term commitment, sharing feelings, needs, desires, and wanting to be together. In a healthy relationship, emotional intimacy is encouraged, nurtured, and respected.

When you love and honor yourself, you have the tools to love and honor another person. There is a theory that we pick a partner with the same emotional health we possess. If you want a wonderful loving partner, a good place to start is with learning to love yourself.

 This is the end of Chapter 6.  I hope it has been enlightening. Congratulations for being willing to explore your own patterns of behavior whether they were revealed as co-dependent or not. Remember: change takes time and attention. You have the tools to make your world different. Take them out of the toolbox and put them to work.

Control: Personal Rights and Boundaries

Within a relationship, each partner possesses personal rights. A healthy relationship allows each partner to remain an individual. The partners are together because they want to be together -- not because they need to be together. Each partner has their own personal boundaries and the right to respect and privacy. In a healthy relationship, trust is automatic.

However, sometimes distorted thinking, irrational ideas, or mistaken assumptions hinder our ability to trust and to partake in a healthy relationship.

 Rights; We may assume we do not have rights. We may think it is selfish to prioritize our needs before the needs of others.  We may also think it is selfish to demand that our views should be respected. We may also think it is unacceptable to ever make a mistake. We may feel the pressure to always be flexible, consistent, and logical. We may think our emotions are not as important as our partner’s emotions. These are all mistaken assumptions.

 Each person has rights.  These rights include the following: the right to make mistakes, the right to have respected and honored feelings, the right to have an active voice in what happens in the relationship, a right to privacy when and where necessary, a right to make mistakes, a right to put yourself first, a right to ask for emotional support, a right to ask for sex, a right to respect the answer, a right to change your mind, and a right to be wrong. In a healthy relationship, these rights are honored and respected.

 Irrational Ideas; Irrational ideas can interfere with the functioning of your relationship. These ideas may hinder good communication. They may restrain you from experiencing the joy and happiness waiting for you.

 Irrational ideas are beliefs that are not true. Here are examples of irrational ideas: there is a solution to all problems. Your history determines your present behavior, and you are not in charge of changing that behavior for the future. You can make another person mad. Happiness originates from an outside source such as another person. You do not have the ability to be happy without help. An adult must be loved and respected by all other people. If you are not completely competent and successful, then you are worthless. If things are not the way you wish, then it is the end of the world. It is easier to avoid facing problems, difficulties, and responsibilities than it is to face them. You are nothing without a partner. These are all irrational ideas, and believing any of these ideas is detrimental to your relationship.

 Distorted Thinking; Distorted thinking patterns will also destroy your ability to have a healthy relationship. These thinking patterns interfere with direct, clear communication. They even completely stop communication and any chance to reaching a resolution to an issue.

 “Should” interferes with your ability to be on the same page as your partner. Saying, “You should…” suggests that the speaker knows what you need and does not respect your right to decide.

 Taking everything personally is also a form of distorted thinking.

Sometimes things are just “not about us.” The chapter pertaining to

Family of Origin issues addresses the issues in your figurate “basket” as opposed to the issues in other person’s basket. That theory helps you to stop taking things personally when they are not intended in that manner. Believing you have control over anything but yourself is a fallacy. The next section will explain this issue in more depth.

“Fair” is a form of distorted thinking. You have probably heard the saying, “Life is not fair.” Well, that is true, and if you can come to terms with that concept, then you will be much happier. Distorted thinking also exists when you believe other people will change if you complain, yell, and manipulate others. People do not change when they are under attack.

Labeling is also a form of distorted thinking. One race of people is not all bad or all good. People from each religion are not all good or all bad. Blonds are not all airheads, and sometimes people with other hair color can be airheads. Not all women are subservient, and not all men are mean.  You get the idea…

 Believing someone must be right, and the other person must be wrong is a huge fallacy. Two people can disagree and both be RIGHT. Oh, yes!! You read that correctly. Two people can attend the same event, spend a day in the same place, but still have totally different experiences. The experience for each person is truth for that person or his/her reality. As a result, they can both be “right.” If you believe someone must be wrong, then you have adopted a “distorted” thinking pattern.

 Here is a good place to address the pattern of black-and-white thinking. Things are usually not all black and all white. There are gray areas, too.  This is also true in a relationship. Not only does each partner have his/her own reality, but there are the gray areas to consider as well. It is a distorted thinking form to believe that others automatically know what you want or need just because they care about you. Not many of us are mind readers. If you want your needs met and your wishes fulfilled, then youmust clearly communicate those needs and wishes.

 

Control; Control comes in two dimensions -- external and internal.

When we have an “external locus of control,” we believe our life is controlled by the outside world and whatever we do has no influence on the outcome.

Having an “internal locus of control” means we have control of our world, and we feel that our actions will ultimately get our needs met.

Locus of control is formed the first months of life. If we are given help when we cry and are in need, then we form the belief that we have an influence on our world and power to get our needs met. If we cry, but no one responds routinely, then we form the belief that our actions do not affect our world.

 If you come from an abusive family of origin, then control may be extremely important to you. Sometimes being abused means the victim lacks control of even their own body. As these abused people become adults, “control” may be a primary focus. Reviewing what we truly have control over is one tool to help us feel more in control of our lives. Ultimately, the only thing we have true control of is our self. It is not really possible to control others. We may know the other person’s triggers and buttons, but they are the ones to decide how he/she feels and acts.

 Personal boundaries; Personal boundaries are sometimes hard to comprehend. Sometimes we have no idea what boundaries we “should” have or what boundaries we want. Only you can make this decision. Personal boundaries are your personal rules about other people being with you or in your personal “world.” For example, one personal boundary may be the following: people in my world do not call others names.  Another personal boundary is: I don’t stay in a relationship that is not nurturing for me.

 Let’s start with boundaries that are not nurturing. This type of boundary (or way of being in your world), will diminish your personal rights.  It may cause the feeling of “being out of control.” This way of “being” diminishes your feelings of self-worth.

Others direct your life, and they tell you what to feel and do.

Emotional, sexual, verbal and/or physical abuse is allowed and tolerated.

Trust is difficult. You may not trust a single person, or you may disclose everything. There are no boundaries about what you talk about, and you tell all. First sexual impulses are acted upon, and you fall “in love” immediately. You don’t stay true to yourself, and you please others before yourself. You have sex to please a partner even if you don’t want to have sex. Keep in mind that people with poor boundaries don’t notice other’s poor boundaries.

 Nurturing Boundaries; These boundaries, or way of being in your world, will increase your feeling of control over your world, and they will encourage your feelings of self-worth to grow. Trust is not immediately given to others.  Instead, trust is appropriately granted to others as they prove themselves to be trustworthy. You talk about yourself when you know it is safe, and you reveal only what is needed and appropriate.

 Falling in love is done in steps and with clear thinking. Self-pleasure is important to you in any sexual activity. “No” is a part of your vocabulary, and you use it when you don’t want to participate or accept something. You clearly communicate your needs and desires. You don’t expect others to fulfill those needs automatically, but you are clear in your asking. You know your friends and partners are not mind readers.

You stay in touch with your values regardless of others’ needs. You ask permission before you touch others, and you ask for the same respect.

You notice when others are displaying inappropriate and/or poor boundaries. You notice when others are not respecting your personal boundaries.

 Relationship Boundaries; Relationship boundaries may be different than your personal boundaries. They may include boundaries about how your partner treats your children, your social life with your partner, or rights to personal privacy. Even though you are in a relationship, your personal boundaries are important and necessary. If you give up your personal boundaries, then your relationship becomes less healthy.

 You give up your boundaries in a relationship when you…

…are unclear about your needs and your boundaries.

…allow abuse of yourself and/or your children in your relationship.

…believe you have no personal rights of your own.

…believe you do not have a right to privacy.

…have trouble getting in touch with your anger, but you feel hurt and manipulated.

…allow behaviors in your partner you would not allow in other people.

…live your life as wishing and waiting as opposed to acting on your dreams and needs.

…take care of your partner sexually without regard for your wishes. For instance, you have sex when you just want to be held.

 Your boundaries are clear and healthy in a relationship when you…

…give clear messages about your needs and wishes.

…are in touch with your feelings and know when you are sad, angry, or happy.

…are only satisfied when you are on track to achieving your dreams.

…only engage in sexual activities when you are interested in sharing.

…are always aware you have choices.

…insist others are safe in your home.

…expect others to respect and honor your privacy without feeling the need to lie or hide anything.

…have a defined but still flexible personal standard.

…have the ability to say “No” when it is right for you.

…have a feeling of security that is not affected by the events around you.

…change for the better and encourage growth in your relationship.

…have friends that are personal and friends that are a social circle for your relationship.

…spend time just with your friends without feelings of guilt need to take care of your partner’s feelings.

 Relationship Satisfaction Evaluation Check List;

 Key:

0-Never

1-Sometimes

2-Most of the time

3-Always

 ___ Communication is clear and honest.

___ I feel heard.

___ Conflicts are discussed and resolved without hurt.

___ Fighting is productive and non-abusive.

___ Degree of affection is right for me.

___ Sex is mutual and respectful.

___ My needs and wishes are always considered in our sexual activity.

___ I am clear about my needs.

___ There is a high degree of emotional intimacy.

___ I feel safe being vulnerable.  I feel comfortable sharing personal feelings and wishes with my partner.

___ Our values and goals are similar.

___ We are able to maximize our similarities, and we accept and appreciate our differences.

 You can use this to evaluate any relationship. Your evaluation score indicates if the relationship is working for you. If it is not, then only you can decide what to do with this information. If you are dissatisfied, and your partner is also dissatisfied, then you can decide to continue without change, take different roads, or get some help changing your dynamics in order to create joy and ecstasy. You’re in charge!!!

 Maximizing your Similarities and Appreciating YourDifferences;

So what does this mean? Well, let’s explore. Sometimes we choose partners because we are different. Their differences compliment our differences. If we understand how we are “different,” then some of the right/wrong issues are resolved.

A personality test may help you discover your similarities and differences. A personality test reveals how you choose to be in the world. Your personality profile will change over time because you will change over time. I recommend a test available on the web. You can find the test at www.keirsey.com. The test has about 70 questions, and you are asked to pay a fee at the end (about $15). In turn, you will receive a printout telling you your degree of four different personality patterns. There are two books to help you understand the printout: Please Understand Me-Character and Temperament Types by David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates and Gifts Differing-Understanding Personality Types by Isabel Briggs Myers.

 Now take time to make yourself some promises;

 Repeat after me:

I promise to remember I am in charge of my life.
I am in control of my environment, and I am in control of who shares my space.
 Regardless of what has happened in my past,
I am in charge now

I promise to demand respect for myself and for my children.I promise to notice and honor feelings because they are real, mine, and right. My feelings tell me what is going on in my world.
 I promise to take responsibility for my emotional health, actions, and behaviors.

I promise to pay attention to the quality of people I let into my life.

Chapter EIGHT - HOT MONOGAMY

Joy and ecstasy

      This is your final chapter, I think it is an exciting ending for your relationship growth. This chapter is best understood, appreciated, and incorporated into your life if you have worked through the previous seven chapters. The first chapters will facilitate any healing or growth needed. This will also give you tools to communicate with your partner through this chapter.

This part of the program contains homework and exercises to increase your emotional and physical intimacy. Don’t worry, they will be so much fun and deeply intimate. Your relationship will be deeper and more alive when you have completed all the chapters, and this chapter is the graduation level in this program. You will have the opportunity to bring joy and ecstasy into your relationship and into your life.

Some of the exercises in this chapter are designed to encourage each partner to increase his/her ability to find, give, and enjoy pleasure. People today often have “scurvy of the soul.” Our own soul is not nurtured and fulfilled. Therefore, we may have a tendency to do what society or culture tells us will bring us happiness or joy. We often don’t pay attention to our own ability to enjoy pleasure, and don’t take the time to learn how to give pleasure. We may not even know what “pleasure” means for ourselves.

If we ignore pleasure, we are not fully developed emotionally. Pleasure is a wonderful ingredient in a healthy relationship. Today we sometimes get the message, “men give pleasure and women receive.” Some men don’t give themselves permission to receive pleasure. When they do, their relationship deepens and becomes more intimate and solid.

Pleasure makes us whole.

Pleasure awakens our very inner self, our soul. The God and Goddess awaken when pleasure is introduced into the life.

Relationship enhancement exercise:

 1. Talking, sharing from the heart, and even working through issues together can increase our emotional intimacy.

2. Breathe together: Take time to BE together. Notice each

other’s breath. Close out the hectic/everyday world and just be

with each other.

3. Heart salute: Sharing what pleases you about your partner.

4. Four hour pleasure homework: THE BEST PART.

I would like to introduce some Tantra exercises and ideas in this section. Tantra is the art of conscious loving. Interesting aspects of “Tantra” include an emphasis on communication, slowing down, and enjoying, and pleasure being the goal rather than orgasm.

1.  Sacred Safe Space/Talking

This exercise will introduce the Tantra procedure of creating safe, sacred space. Both partners will decide on a space in your home that will be private and uninterrupted for about an hour. Use scarves, or something like scarves, and make a border or boundary around the area. It can be on the living room floor with pillows to sit on, in the bedroom, or on a bed. You will be sitting facing each other.

When the safe space boundary has been established, the ambiance should be soft and quiet, complete with soft lights and soft music. I would like to suggest candles and/or incense that smell pleasant to both of you. Both partners will then remove from the sacred space the attributes they do not want in their communication space. See the suggestions for removal and addition of attributes to your safe space below.

Removal Suggestions:

Negativity, judging, aggression, pessimism, criticism, Etc., all the negative attributes you do not want in your sacred safe space.

                                    ADD in Suggestions:

Acceptance, love, caring, compassion, gentleness, optimism, love, etc., all the positive attributes you would like to experience in your sacred safe space.

Once these steps are completed, this space will be a space to enjoy compassion and care for each other. Your relationship couples sacred safe space has now been established. Sit facing each other with knees together, or with one partner’s legs over the other’s legs.

This “Yabyum” position works great here. The male is usually on the lower part, and sits with his legs out or with his knees slightly bent. The female straddles his legs by putting her feet behind him. This gives you connection with your heart, and you can also hold your partner close.

Take a few deep breaths together and spend a few moments  quietly just being together.

Now follow the list of subjects below for your discussion. Each partner will take a turn. Decide who will be first and who will be second. Each partner will take about five minutes talking about each subject. Take more time if needed. No issues should be worked out through here. This is a time for heart shares.

While one partner is sharing, the listening partner just listens.

There is no need to fix, explain, or defend. Just listen. When the speaker is through, the listener will express appreciation for his/her partner’s willness to share intimate subjects in a vulnerable state. The listener can say something like, “Thank you for sharing,” or  “I am honored to know that,. Make sure it is in your words. That is it! No other comment is necessary, only acknowledgment that you heard your partner.

This is emotional intimacy. This sharing is from your heart. This is hard to do if you are feeling untrusting or unworthy. So take a deep breathe and give it a try. You can add subjects if you would like. This is not a time to work out issues. This is a time for sharing intimately and acknowledging you have heard.

Talking together subjects:

 1. What is your greatest wish for this relationship?

2. What is one thing you are willing to do to make your wish happen?

3. Tell your partner how you would like him/her to help you make your wish come true.

4. What is something you are afraid to talk about? Just state the subject if you are still not willing to actually talk about it.

5. Make an appointment to revisit the subject in 4.

6. Tell your partner how you like to be touched.

 7. Share a fantasy.

8. Share your sexual turn-ons and turn-offs.

9. Say anything else you would like to share.

When you both decide you are done, spend a few moments just being with each other again. Acknowledge how difficult or easy this exercise was for you. You can learn more about Tantra at tantra.com. The following two exercises will increase your emotional intimacy and ability to share with your heart.

Breathe:

 In this exercise, partners will lay together in the spoon position. The female in front. In Tantra, the woman is the “Shakti,” and the male is the “Shiva.” The Shiva is in charge of creating a safe space for his Shakti and the Shakti is in charge of the pace.
The Shakti will begin to breathe loud enough for her Shiva to hear. Shiva will then coordinate his breathing with hers. Spend about 15-20 minutes with this exercise.

This can be done just before you go to sleep, or it can beused to  connect and be on the same wavelength before a sexual time.

Again, this is not a timed event. Keep it about breathing, not touching. Take as much time as you like. This exercise increases emotional intimacy, and it is not meant to be physical intimacy or sexual. It also nurtures trust in your relationship. This exercise helps both partners to “trust” the other cares enough to just be together. The partner cares about you enough to notice your breathing or breathe with you. Just be together. Close out the world for a few moments and sink into each other.

Heart Salute:

In this exercise, you will sit as you were for the communication exercise. Yabyum is good here, too. Create a quiet space, perhaps your sacred safe space if you have time. Sit face-to-face. In this space, put your right hands on each other’s heart. Look deep into each other’s eyes. Spend a few minutes just being together. Coordinating your breathing will increase the intimacy of this exercise.

Now spend about five minutes each answering the following;
-What you love about your partner

-What you appreciate about your partner.
-What you admire about your partner.

Add any other comment you would like.

The partner doing the listening simply listens. The listening partner checks in with themselves. Notice what you are feeling. Are you able to let these messages into your heart?

 When partner one is finished, partner two responds with “thank you,” or something else appropriate. Again, no fixing, no response statements, only acknowledging you  “heard” your partner.

Partner two now has a turn.

-What you love about your partner.

-What you appreciate about your partner.

-What you admire about your partner.

Add any other comment you would like to add.

Partner One responds with an appropriate “I hear you” statement.

Take your time. Add whatever you would like. This is your appreciation and admiration time. End with a hug, and take your time. This exercise should be done each day. A good time may be before bedtime or to get you “started in the morning.” What a wonderful way to start the day by being appreciated and admired!

Pleasure-not Orgasm, Four-Hour Homework:

Absolutely no issues should be worked out in this homework. Keep them for another time.

 I do not want to imply that having an orgasm is bad, It just may be better to enjoy the natural high for a long time, like an hour or so. When orgasm happens, we are usually DONE with our sexual time. If we allow pleasuring, we can ride the wave of joy for a longer time. The amount of time we can stay on the wave will increase with practice and learning to slow down and BE together.

Some facts about sex that you may not know: men can have orgasm without ejaculation. This is taught through Tantra. Women can have multiple orgasms. Women can also ejaculate. The book Tantra for Men explains some of these facts about orgasm and sex. It would be good to have read this before the final exercise. Reading about sex facts will give you a good basis for the final exercise.

Take your time creating the final Four-hour Homework. Set up your space and get everything in order before you schedule the four hours. No children, no phone, no interruptions. Here is the shopping list: one partner is in charge of ambiance, and one partner is in charge of food.

Shopping for pleasure homework-

Massage oil or lotion

Candles or incense

Bubble bath

Music to love by

Massage table (if possible)

Something wonderful to drink (preferably not alcohol)

Food to feed each other-get creative not expensive

Feather to use in the pleasure process

Silk-again for pleasuring

Optional DVD’s for teaching pleasuring and massage. These would be good to obtain and watch before your four-hour homework. They can be purchased online. Go to on www.marriagecounseling4u.com and click on the “links” page for links to books and DVD’s.

Tantra Massage DVD Narrated by Dr. Ava Cadell. This Tantra massage DVD is great. It starts with a regular massage demonstration and has a second part that demonstrates Tantra massage. Tantra massage has long slow gentle strokes and includes the genitals. This DVD is tastefully done with complete nudity. If you will be uncomfortable with the nudity this DVD will not be for you.

Sutra-The Sensual Art of Lovemaking by Romantic Arts Digital Collection

The Art of Orgasm-the multi-orgasmic couple (for men and women) by Margot Arand

101 ways to Excite your Lover by Playboy

Always take your time through this exercise.

One big no rule! No intercourse! Yikes you say!! You can do it! Just enjoy the touching. Allow the pleasure to seep into your every cell. Communicate about what you are loving, what you want more of, or what you want to done less or lighter.

Once you have scheduled the four-hour, you are at home alone, with no phone, no kids, no TV, and no disturbance of any kind you are ready. One partner will be in charge of ambiance, and one in charge of food.

Part ONE

 This first part of the four-hour homework exercise will be a bubble bath. You will incorporate all five senses into the bath. If a tub is not available, get creative with your shower. Stick to the list below as much as you can. Maybe you can even muster up warm towels. Perhaps get them right out of the dryer. Is the tub too small? Get real-just be cozy.

Something for smell-incense, fragrant candles.

Sight -candles,

Touch-bubbles and warm water,

Hearing –music, soft and romantic,

Taste- glass of something wonderful to drink.

During the bubble bath, relax and enjoy touching. For instance, you could talk about when you first met. Discuss what you remember about that first look or meeting and what attracted you to each other. Can you even remember what you were wearing or a song that was playing? Keep this positive and nurturing. Take your time.

Part TWO

 Mutual massage is the second phase of your four-hour homework. It would be wonderful if you had watched a massage video before the day of your pleasuring, especially if you do not have massage experience. If you are a lover of massage, you can just pleasure your partner with the moves you enjoy.

Massage tables are the best. That way one partner is not getting all kinked up rolling around on the floor or crawling over the partner of the bed. See if you can borrow one if you do not own one.

A massage oil with fragrance is wonderful. If you prefer lotion, then use that. Make sure you both like the fragrance. Talk about your preferences. Perhaps one of you will want oil and one lotion. If you have a small incense warmer, the oil can be heated for a wonderful sensual touch. A light oil of any kind will work.

The massage are should be warm with soft lights and soft music. You may want to create sacred space for this exercise.

Remember: always take your time through this exercise.

One Big No Rule, No intercourse-and again, you can do it! Just enjoy the touch. Sink into the pleasure of human touch. Allow the pleasure to seep into your every cell. Communicate about what you are loving, wanting more of, and wanting less of.

Part THREE

The third phase is food. The food and massage part can be switched depending on your hunger. The food should be something you can eat with your fingers and something easy to feed each other. Some food ideas include fruit cut to bite size, PB&J sandwiches in small squares, dips, vegetables cut small-get creative and inexpensive here. Take your time and just enjoy the fun of eating together, the pleasure of feeding each other, and the joy of being together.

NICE GAME to try, include pudding in your food list. There are two rules: You cannot feed yourself, and you cannot clean up your body if the pudding “accidentally” spills somewhere.

 OKAY, FOUR-HOUR homework is complete….intercourse  admissible-like you needed my permission.

ENJOY

 Let’s talk about sex.  Sex is a complicated subject. It is also an important part of a healthy relationship. Sex is a way to be intimate and share ourselves with our partner. A way to say “we are one” or “I love being with you.” However, sex can get really complicated. Partners are sometimes not on the same energy or libido level.

Communicate your needs and wishes. Explore ways to get both partners what they need. Remember no means NO, even when it is not spoken out loud with words. Notice body language.  And, again, it is not about “us” if it is not in our basket, as explained in the chapter about family of origin issues. Each partner has the right to assert him/her self when he/she wants to be sexual and when he/she does not. Each partner has the right to say “not a good time for me” and be heard. Engaging in sex when you do not want sex is not healthy and not nurturing for your relationship. Sometimes partners just want holding and closeness and not sex.

Sometimes couples have a problem with erection. Notice I said “couples” because an erection is the couple’s problem, not just the males problem. In the chapters about family of origin and control issues, we learned that each person has his/her own issues, and these issues are also in the couple’s basket. An erection is complicated. An erection is dependent on physical, emotional, and situational well-being. Women have it easy. They just have to show up.

Juicy, wonderful, fabulous sex does not require an erection. That is right. Both partners have other body parts to us. Men can learn to find the G spot and pleasure his partner. Women can pleasure the man and love the feeling of giving him joy and hearing him moan at her touch. Her main focus should not be to get him “off”-not even to create an erection. A man can enjoy his penis being stroked and he can have an orgasm without an erection. So enjoy each other. Enjoy the touch. Let it last. Make it a pleasure session not just  “getting it off.” Give you relationship a jolt of joy.

Some videos teach how to pleasure each other. These DVDs teach how to enjoy each other without orgasm. They teach you how to spend hours in ecstasy without having an orgasm or an erection. To learn more about Tantra and the hour pleasuring called the “Multiple Orgasmic Response Experience,” log onto www.tantra.com.

Communicate, care, be intimate, spend time creating your relationship. It doesn’t grow all alone. Enjoy, pleasure, and be joyful! Congratulations on spending time and energy creating a new and wonderful life for yourself and your relationship.